My Deer Eye. Fiction by James Moran

My Deer Eye

            I was sitting on the roof of my Volvo, right outside my apartment, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette and drinking a non-alcoholic Clausthaler when I saw him.

            I had been imagining what I would say to the pretty waitress if she emerged out of the back of El Tapatio. I was searching for a way to say “my heart is broken” in Spanish. But I thought she spoke English so I could just say “my woman left me and my heart is broken.” That could elicit a response. Or not; I didn’t care. I decided I would say “Perdi mi ojo venado (I lost my deer eye).”—My favorite line from the band Jaguares. Maybe she would know it. Maybe she wouldn’t. The voices cackling as if drunk behind the frenzied banda music blaring just inside the door of the restaurant were probably the voices of the clean-up crew. It was 1:30am. I wasn’t confident she remained on the job this late.

            The figure all in black spotted me from outside the fence and sauntered into the parking lot. He said to me, “Got an extra smoke,” so softly that had it been a daylight hour I could never have heard him from my high perch.

            “Yeah,” I mumbled as I dug the tobacco pouch out of my pocket.

            From the sleeve of his hoodie he brandished an indistinct shape that I understood to be a blade when he said, “Empty your pockets!”

            I did it; it wasn’t hard. My tobacco, a handkerchief, and my lanyard with my keys. I held them in my hands.

            “Throw down your wallet,” he ordered.

            “I don’t carry it with me this time of night,” I stated. I didn’t; it was true. I’d left my wallet in my apartment in case of this very event.

            “Then we gonna go get it,” he told me.

            “Go where?” I asked.

            “Get off this motherfucker fore I shank you.”

            I stepped down and set the cigarette and Clausthaler aside and stood there.

            “Motherfucker move.”

            “Move where?”

            “Go. Go. Don’t fuck with me.” He cranked his elbow up and turned the blade to the side as if he were bearing a gun down on my chest.

            I shrugged. “Alright.” I rounded the car and unlocked and opened the driver’s side door. I sat in the driver’s seat with the driver’s side door open.

            He followed me and wedged himself in the opening, blocking my exit.

            I looked up at him. “Well?”

            “Get me that shit fore I cut your fucking mug.”

            “You wanna come get it you gotta get in.”

            “You got about three seconds.”

            “I told you my wallet’s at my house. Let’s go get it.”

            He practically sang in falsetto, “The fuck is your house, nigga??”

            “Up the way a bit.” I motioned. “I just stopped here to drink a drink and smoke a smoke.”

            “Oooh, I wanna stick you right now!” He was looking around for another warm body on the street.

            “Get in,” I said. “Passenger side is open.”

            He ran around the front of the car and opened the passenger door and fell into the passenger seat. “How much money you got in your wallet?”

            I shrugged.

            That wasn’t good enough for him.

            “Don’t remember,” I said.

            “Nigga mash. Come on! Let’s go fore I cut you up.”

            I turned on the car and sat awkwardly still for a moment. His gaze swung up and down me and around to each window. “You got about one second fore I start fucking you up.”

            I shifted the car into gear. “Had to let it run for a second.” Backing up offered a quick study of the blade. It was a dull gray strip of something that had been painted and chewed up so that it either no longer resembled a knife or never was one. I turned up the heat, brought us around, and exited the parking lot.

            I decided on driving up Fruitvale. My passenger was restless. The streets were mostly empty. At the sight of a few prostitutes milling about on a corner he scoffed.

            “Women,” I said.

            He frowned and shifted in his seat.

            “I just broke up with my lady.”

            He didn’t bite. “Come on, man! Drive!”

            “It’s still up a ways.”

            “Make this motherfucker mash.”

            I pressed the gas. Liza’s house, I decided. On Macarthur I went left then switched to Excelsior. She lived on Park. I’d pretend it was my house and as we approached I’d somehow (I hadn’t figured out how) alert her to call the police. Text? How would I text her without him seeing? Would she even be awake?

            The homes were getting bigger and nicer. My passenger was shifting around more but frowning less. I still hadn’t thought of a plan by the time I reached Liza’s house so I passed it.

            “Nigga what the fuck is this?? What the fuck is this??” Now that we were in a car together he decided he could use the full volume of his voice to intimidate me without the risk of alerting the authorities. “Nigga pull this car over right now and let me shank you in your motherfucking ass! I am going to shank you until there ain’t nothing left! I—am—going—to—shank—you—until—there—ain’t—nothing—left!” My god he was having a sort of rhythmic conniption fit.

             “Chill the fuck out!” I yelled. “I told you I’d give you my money—all my motherfucking hard-earned money—that I worked for! So chill the fuck out. You’re the one who’s getting what he wants. I’m the one who should be upset. Now, fucking kick back for a minute. We’re almost there. Jesus Christ.”

            This actually worked.

            He ignored me and scanned the wide avenues as if they were a threatening jungle.

            I turned on the radio. For a moment he stopped moving, but he did so because he was weary, not relaxed. I tuned it to KMEL. This ploy wasn’t working either. I turned the radio off. He remained tense.

            He no longer shifted in his seat. There wasn’t so much to regard. The road now went straight uphill. To one side was  a downhill drop, to the other a wall of redwood forest. I was convinced now that both of us knew I was full of shit. I didn’t know where I was gonna take it from here. But wherever I was gonna take it, I resolved I was gonna take it with gusto.

            “Man, pull over your motherfucking car and get out,” he said in a disappointed tone.

            “Obviously you’ve noticed that the higher we go the bigger the houses get. You can have this car. You think I’d care about this car living up here?” I turned up Redwood road and into the darkness created by towering trees lining both sides of the road. “I been wanting to give it away. Gotta tell you, though, it needs new brakes and an oil change. Probably seven hundred bucks in work.”

            “Man, I should just stab your ass and leave you out here,” he said without lifting his blade or removing his gaze from the road ahead. He’d sunk into the passenger seat.

            Once my headlights illuminated the sign for the Chabot Space and Science Center I knew where our road ended. I pulled into the parking lot.

            “Science center?”

            “I live right behind the Chabot Space and Science Center. Seriously.”

            “Ain’t no houses up here neither.”

            “Seriously. I live right behind it.” I parked, turned off the engine, and took his lack of protest as a good sign. I got out. “I’ll show you.”

            When he opened his door and climbed out I rejoiced within, though I had no idea what I was doing.

            “Come on.”

            He followed me up the wide paved ramp that wound around the back of the building. I let my enthusiasm carry me ahead and lead me off the pavement and across the little landscaped area to a wide cool window that I placed my palms and forehead against. Upon a large wall inside was a portrait of Jupiter with majestic bands of clouds.

            “Check it out.” I waved him over.

            He had his hands in his pockets.

            “You know which planet that is?” I asked.

            “Saturn?”

            “Jupiter.” I walked over to the next window and pointed. “See that’s Saturn,” I said. “It’s got the rings. That’s Pluto over there.”

            He was strolling back to the pavement but he could see the image I was pointing to. He nodded once.

            “Fucking amazing, isn’t it?”

            He shrugged. “They all the same to me,” he said.

            I ventured ahead again. The courtyard with two huge telescopes was fenced off of course. I climbed the fence at a juncture where it was easier to avoid the barbed wire. I leapt down then faced him, realizing that I was for the first time beyond his reach. “Climb over,” I said.

            He had more trouble getting over than I did. His hoodie and pants didn’t help. By the time he got over I was already on top of an AC unit from which I could grip the ledge of the roof. Once up on the roof I started rolling cigarettes.

            When I was finished he was on the roof with me, walking its perimeter, looking down over the ledge. “Don’t look down,” I said. “Look up.” I pointed at the stars. Then I held up a cigarette. Once he was close enough I tossed it and he caught it. I got up on my knees and lit his with mine. I smoked sitting while he smoked standing.

            I kept my attention moving in a triangle between the lights of Oakland below, the humps of the two telescopes, and the stars spaced out overhead. I chucked my cigarette and lay on my back so my attention could wander among the stars.

            When I sat up he was looking out over the lights of Oakland and the Bay. He was so silent and still and watchful I decided not to disturb him.

            He bowed his head and kicked pebbles between his feet.

            I stood and joined his side. “Where do you live?”

            “73rd,” he said without looking up.

            “Come on,” I said. “I’ll give you a ride home.”

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Kashmiri Pulav. Fiction by Abhishek Udaykumar

Abhishek

Kashmiri Pulav

But when I reached Honia’s street I saw that the power was out, and that the evening there seemed duller than the rest of the city. The heat had slowed me down. There was a skinny shopkeeper with spectacles dropping fish food into his tank, his pet store was invisible beyond the entrance and its birdcages and shelves of fish bowls. A woman stood in the corridor outside her flat and spoke to a woman in the balcony of the next building. A group of children took turns running up a concrete slope, showing off their skills in the lightless gully. I reached the corner with the iron lady and her cart, but I still couldn’t remember where Honia lived. The street looked different there, it seemed less chaotic than the rest of the locality. The old apartments sat on an elevated plaza, their ground floors had been turned into barber shops, pharmacies, jewelers, bakeries and grocers, breaking off at intervals where the street was intersected by finer alleys. A staircase ran through the heart of each building, leading up to the flats. I was fatigued when I finally found her waving from her third-floor balcony, it was darker now and it struck me that she had yelled my name when I was on the street, I didn’t realize it until I turned into her landing and heard her say my name again.

‘I’ve started collecting candles now,’ she said, leaning against her kitchen counter and biting into a breadstick. ‘I use the plain ones mostly, though. I sometimes don’t realize when the power comes back.’

She snacked on a few more breadsticks before we went up to the terrace. I could see that she had been working all day and I wasn’t sure about when to tell her. There was a plant growing out of a crevice and a pink plastic ball in the corner that caught my eye.

‘It’s out again,’ she said, gazing at a puppy in the opposite building as it ran around in circles in a square balcony. ‘It’s growing up fast.’

‘Do you remember the time we went to the pipe factory for your last photobook and the white dog there that played with us?’

Honia was still watching the puppy. She let out an enormous sigh before she smiled a little to cheer herself up. Her straight hair fell with ease in the humidity and sat evenly on her eyebrows as she spoke to herself.

‘Yes.’

She began to pace along the perimeter. Honia and I were the kind of friends who met once every six months. We had been closer a few years ago, until I realized that she had just needed a subject for her photo essays. I sat behind a flowerpot and let my feet dangle around it. The sky was illuminated by a light source beyond the world, and we looked up at it like marine creatures enraptured by the ocean’s surface.

‘There’s a swimming pool nearby. I discovered it when I went out to buy some beer. And you know what, I’m going to start going. Today. They close at ten.’

I seemed to consider the pool for a long while.

‘I wanted to ask you about what you said the other day when I called. That monochrome is a timeless cliché of photography, and that it renews itself each time someone picks up a camera. And yet, it reeks of pretension, like why do…’

‘I just meant,’ she had begun to make her way up the ladder to the tank when she stopped midway to cut me off. ‘That black and white pictures are great for presentation, whether they work in favour of the idea or not. And presentation isn’t the point of photography.’

Honia looked like she wanted to pace up and down again but the tank was the limit and if she took a step further, she would fall of the building.

‘I’m hungry, have you eaten much today?’

I was about to say that I had eaten my lunch when it occurred to me that Honia faced a power cut and that she couldn’t have cooked anything.

‘Shall I go down and look for something?’

‘No.’

Honia got busy on her phone, scavenging for food inside it. All I could see was her face, as I craned my neck to look beyond the ladder, with the sky stretched behind her like a slender plum peel.

‘Have you ever observed an old person and tried to imagine how they must have looked when they were young.’

She hadn’t heard me but I continued.

‘It’s the central idea in my new story. And I’m writing it in short phrases, with no description. I’ve realized that most of what we produce as work tends to be expressionistic. We’re conditioned that way, I think, it’s the contemporary ideal.’ I stopped to watch a lone stork as it glided past her, capturing the world’s silence and turning it into a deeper hole of desire. ‘I think the cliché of photography, or any kind of visual representation is that it is expressionistic, and being monochrome is just a part of that.’

‘Look who’s the cynic now.’ She hadn’t looked up from her phone and it seemed as though she was talking to it, or trying to make it speak. I ignored her abrupt remark.

‘And then I realized that…’ I wanted to say that I had drunk two glasses of white rum before I had left the house that evening, because I wasn’t sure of how to be myself around her, and because we always ended up talking about things besides ourselves, and I felt like nobody in the world knew me no matter how much I tried. The rum had worn off along the way and I had to stop at a local pub and top myself up with a double brandy; there was a little boy there playing by himself with a toy car, as his father drank his beer at the bar quickly in his three-piece suit – and kept turning back to tell his son to stay inside the grey line.

Honia seemed to have made her order. She scaled down the ladder and hung around me in her heavy black shirt and ill-fitting sports shorts, kicking the pink ball around and being noisy. I took a deep breath and thought about how courageous she was to follow her instinct and do what she believed in. She looked disoriented and seemed to be thinking about little beyond food. I felt a surge of affection for her and took her by the arm, leading her downstairs as she grumbled about her dying battery.

She had left the candles on. The shadows that had danced about the walls in our absence dissolved as we made our way across the hall. I flipped through a journal of Raúl Cañibano’s photographs of Cuba and stopped when I saw a man in a hat with his face bent down behind an open window, as the sun beamed on his wooden house and cast a big shadow of the clothesline against it; I thought about how it never felt adequate to live in the city, though the whole world wanted to be there.

‘So what else do you do when you have a day off?’ Honia asked, smiling a little and coming into herself as she saw my involvement with her book.

‘I try to write.’ I felt the need to repeat myself. Then I adjusted my body to face her, resting my shoulder against the sofa, and letting myself relax. ‘It isn’t easy to do something when you finally get a break. All you want is some peace.’

She nodded but she didn’t take her eyes off me.

‘It’s hard to do anything other than what somebody else wants you to do for them,’ she whispered. ‘In exchange for a little life.’

‘We live in a poor country.’ I wanted to say more but the idea sounded self-explanatory.

‘But time is short,’ she murmured. Her voice was so low that I thought I had imagined her speak. She lost herself in thoughts and stared at the dying candle and its dramatic flame, her shelves and desks of books and pens and lenses and prints subdued in the granular dark.

‘I’ve gotten a transfer to Japan,’ I whispered back, doing my best not to disturb the stillness, as though it could extinguish the flame and drown us in an abject blackness. She turned towards me a little, tilting her head and letting her hair fall heavily to one side. I had never seen her in anything but a half-pony tied with a black rubber band.

‘You should go,’ she said, as though I had asked for her approval. ‘You should go.’

I blushed and readjusted myself, becoming momentarily self-conscious in her presence. Her existence belonged to a mental geography I had of the city, and our detachment over the months had made me doubt if I would miss her more than I would miss the idea of friendship with her. Until that day. Her passion for her friends wasn’t different to an innate talent. She didn’t need to think about it; and she never spoke about the past.

The food arrived. Honia had already kept the plates ready and a big bowl for the main dish. It transformed the old flat into a rustic dhaba, waking the ceramic idols on her mantlepiece and the crockery in the lower shelves of her bookcase. She emptied the package and shovelled a sizeable portion onto her plate, eating quickly with her hand. She didn’t like eating on the sofa and preferred laying the food on the mantlepiece and sitting around it on the floor. She watched her food intensely as she ate, her forehead sweating as she licked her fingers. I held my plate on my fingertips like it were a flower and ate a little at a time. I had to make a joke.

‘You fasted all day and finally ordered pulav, that too Kashmiri pulav. You could have at least ordered a gravy with it. It’s as good as eating curd rice.’

She couldn’t help but smile, and she didn’t stop smiling till she finished her first serving. We both knew that her choice of food emerged from her need to keep herself light so that she could work for longer hours. I watched as she saved the raisins for the end; and measured her hunger as though it were a recipe. She had a show coming up and a publication due later in the year. I knew I wouldn’t be there to witness either of them, but I had a feeling that she wouldn’t live in the city much longer either. It was impossible to tell when and where she was headed, but she was nobody’s person and the world would find her a place, if she didn’t find one by herself.

‘There have been a few people seeing me off late,’ she said, grinning mischievously at herself. ‘But nothing has really stuck.’ Her eyes gleamed for the first time that evening, as I grew a little tired and felt the alcohol wearing off. But I didn’t need another fix. I had considered leaving after the meal, but it seemed like our time together had just begun. I watched her dig a spoonful of rice and twitch her eyebrows at me, speaking solemnly with a hint of drama.

‘There’s a shop down the road that has swimsuits. Wanna go buy one for yourself on the way to the pool?’

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Abhishek Udaykumar is a writer, filmmaker and painter from India. He graduated from Royal Holloway University of London with English and Creative Writing. He writes short stories, novels and essays and makes documentaries and fiction films. His narratives reflect the human condition of rural and urban communities. He has been published by over half a dozen literary journals, and has made thirteen films and several series of paintings.

The Last Friday. Fiction by William Baker

William Baker

The Last First Friday

First published in Literally Stories, 2/2016.

Brandt Colson watches his frenetic daughter as she flits around the room in her usual style. She is talking about ten different things at once, fussing over details and generally majoring in the minor. Brandt notices the bored and frowning, mostly grown grandson as he leans against the wall at the apartment entry. The boy takes no pains to hide his brooding impatience.

The daughter stops talking and pauses in front of the chair. Brandt looks up. “There is plenty to eat and all laid out. Your list is on the counter. Are you sure you feel up to it, Dad?”

“I feel fine,” he says. The stroke is a jumbled memory now.

She looks doubtful, “don’t over-do.”

This daughter is an impulsive, disorganized and frenzied worrier. The years of West Coast living, three husbands and many fiancés, has not changed that about her. Now she is back, living in his house, free of charge, with her son and a new husband. She is here to bring a whirlwind of fuss and worry over her sick old man.

Brandt is glad to have her back, even if it does mean all of the drama that goes with it. He doesn’t care about moving into the apartment over the garage and letting her have the main house. The big place is too much for him now.

“You have my numbers. Call if you need me. Jeff is asleep, wake him if you have to, but he goes in to work tonight, if he isn’t too sick. So call me instead. Unless it’s an emergency. Then call Jeff, and 911, but me first.”

The boy speaks from the doorway, “he might go to work if he isn’t too drunk.”

She turns and stares at him then pecks her father on the cheek.

“We’ll be fine” Brandt says.

She stops at her sullen child and pats him on the arm. “Don’t over-do” she admonishes and leaves.

The boy looks away. “Did you get all of that?”

There is a ticking silence in the room as the grandson looks around and Brandt watches him. He doesn’t know this boy and hasn’t seen him for years until the move back to Indiana. But the kid looks like his mother with the same big bones, chestnut hair and crinkle around the eyes. He is her without the ninety mile an hour pace.

“We have our instructions” Brandt says. The boy shrugs. “Grounded, huh? Isn’t almost eighteen a little old for that?”

“Yeah well, she has to get it in while she still can,” the boy slumps against the wall.

“So your punishment is to cart me around.”

“Huh” the boy says. “It’s better than sitting in the house watching him sober up.”

“OK bud, you might as well have a seat. There’s no hurry to get anywhere.” Brandt motions to a chair opposite him.

In time the boy pushes himself from the wall, sits down, brushes hair from his forehead, then rests his forearms on his knees, leans forward and brings his head up. He looks around the room until his eyes at last meet with Brandt. “OK, get this…” he pauses a few seconds. “I don’t do bud, or buddy, or pal, or champ, or kid, or sport. I won’t call you Old Man and you won’t call me all the cutesy kid things.”

Brandt smiles, “Bravo, very impressive. Do you do surly S.O.B.?”

The kid grins “it’s better than champ.”

“Or Kevin, since it is your name” Brandt says.

“Not Kev. Never Kevvy. What about you? Brandt isn’t even your name,” Kevin asks.

“My middle name. But you can call me Grandfather, Grandpa or like that. Not Gramps or Pawpaw, or any cutesy names.” Brandt sits back and studies this serious boy. “Or Brandt, if you prefer.”

“Surly S.O.B?” Kevin asks.

“That would fit.”

“Get this,” the kid says “we almost didn’t even come here. They had some big fight over your Jesus Freak religious conversion thing. At least that’s what he called it. What’s all that about?

“It isn’t about religion,” Brandt says.

“So what is it?”

“If you really want to know it’s a life change. I left my way of thinking and looking at things and started a new life based solely on the teachings in the Hebrew and Greek scriptures” Brandt says.

“Sounds brainy.”

“There is an intellectual element. There has to be.” Brandt says.

“Intellectual, that’s what I meant. You aren’t going to preach or, like, save me or anything are you? Cause, I don’t do church or any of that crap.”

“I don’t do churches either. Churches don’t have the answer, that’s why there are so many of them.”

“Cool. I think I’m through talking about this,” the boy says. “Why do you go by your middle name?”

“Simple,” Brandt says “when I started writing there was a writer of Western paperbacks named Rick Colson, I didn’t want readers thinking that Richard Colson was the same person.”

Kevin nods “you haven’t written that many books. How long have you been writing?”

“Long time. First published the year I got out of the Army.”

“That Peterson guy has written like a hundred books.”

“Different kind of writer. Different audience” Brandt says.

“Anyway, I’ve never read either one of you. Seen some of your movies.”

“Not my movies” Brandt says.

“That make you mad?” Kevin says.

“Billions of people have never read my books. If I got upset about it, I wouldn’t have time for anything else” Brandt says.

The boy is silent a moment. “Does a stroke hurt?” he asks.

Brandt says “I don’t remember it hurting. Don’t remember much about actually having the stroke. I remember afterwards in bits and pieces until I started recovering. It was tiring and confusing. I remember feeling like I couldn’t move, couldn’t do or say anything. Time moved back and forth and kind of …” he pauses “…went away.”

“Really?”

“Yesterday was like it just happened and like it never happened all at the same time. Today was like yesterday and like….” Brandt says.

Kevin gets up and saunters to the bookshelf. “Mom says you won all kinds of awards I never heard of” he brushes a forefinger over the book spines. “Which book is the best?”

Brandt doesn’t hesitate“the one that didn’t win anything.”

“I don’t know one from the other” Kevin looks at him.

“End, second shelf. The Last First Friday.”

The boy picks out the book and leafs through it. “What’s that mean? The Last First Friday?”

“Read it and find out.”

Kevin snorts “I don’t read books.”

“Can’t or don’t?”

“Don’t” Kevin says with emphasis. He saunters to the chair and casually lays the book on the side table next to the door. “What’s so special about it?”

Brandt answered, “sold the least. Written after my crazy Jesus Freak conversion. Ignored by the all knowing critics. Publisher didn’t promote it.”

“Is it that preachy religious Christian fiction stuff?” The boy asks.

“Not at all. It’s about life changes and other things.”

There is another ticking silence as they study one another. “What about you?” Brandt asks.

Kevin says “She tell you why I’m grounded?”

“No.”

“Want to know? I’m bad news, a real troubled kid.”

“That’s between you and her.”

They are silent again.

“Any friends yet?” Brandt asks.

“Sort of,” he says.

“Girls?”

“Maybe I don’t like females,” Kevin looks at him and the older man shrugs. “I do” Kevin smiles.

“So do I” Brandt smiles.

“Grandma’s been gone a long time. I don’t remember her” Kevin gets no reaction from this. “Are you ready?” Kevin asks and they stand.

In the car, Kevin gets directions to the Doctor’s office and they are silent. “OK, did you always want to be a writer?” he asks at last.

“Hmm,” Brandt thinks for a moment “no. Not really. I never liked to read. Writing came later.”

“Yeah?”

“I went to college about your age…” Brandt is abruptly cut off.

“Oh, here we go. I walked into that one” Kevin says.

“I don’t get it” Brandt says.

“Mom’s been on me about college and now here you go. College made you realize you wanted to be a writer. Blah, blah. Forget I asked.”

Brandt sighs “I was going to say I went to college and dropped out my first year and joined the Army. It made my father furious, which is probably one reason I did it. The other is I couldn’t see that it was going to get me anywhere since I didn’t know what I wanted to begin with.”

Kevin looks at the road “oh.”

“After a while I moved up in rank and the Army decided I was a smart guy. They assigned me to a remote place in the foothills of South Dakota. A one man building a few miles outside a little nowhere town. It had a one man office and living quarters. I couldn’t see or hear another person from there; the main road was some distance. They did not want me wearing a uniform.”

“Sounds strange. What did you do?”

“Not a lot. At irregular intervals I would get a call saying a delivery was coming. Sooner or later a van would pull up and a couple of guys in regular clothes would get out, show me their credentials and unload some metal file crates which we would stack in the office and they would leave. In a day or so I would get another call about a pick up. I would write down some information on a form and wait. Guys in regular clothes with credentials would show up and get the crates. Once a week I would go into town and mail my forms. I did that for over two years.”

“Wow, no one else ever came around. Like an officer or something?” Kevin asks.

“No one. I never saw anyone in a uniform until I left there and went to a base for a briefing.”

“Weird. What was in the boxes?” Kevin asks.

“I don’t know” Brandt says “I was told not to open them and they would know if I did.”

Kevin risks taking his eyes off the road and looks at the old man “you never found out what was in the crates?”

“Never. Watch the road, will you?”

“Weren’t you curious?” Kevin asks.

“Of course, I asked once and was told to keep my mind on my work” Brandt says.  “Anyhow, I got bored quickly. Only so much television and radio you can stand. The town was small and didn’t offer much but they did have a junk, antique flea market with second hand books. I decided to try reading and picked up a book that was supposed to be some kind of prize winning thing, highly acclaimed, bestseller and all of that. I read it and said, ‘wow this stinks’. I bought another one, then another, etc. Finally I said, ‘I can do at least this bad and I started writing. I got up the nerve to send some short things off to magazines, a few got in. I wrote my first novel and got it published the year I left the service.”

“Highway 36, turn here?” Kevin asks.

“Yes.”

“Then you came back to Indiana and met Grandma and she had a pile of money” Kevin says.

“Not exactly. She worked with her father and took over the business. I kept writing and did pretty well. She gave the business to your mother and uncle when she got ill.”

“And my father almost ruined the business, Mom ditched him and moved to California with me and got married and engaged a bunch of times, stayed there most of my life, and now we are back with my latest Daddy-man because he’s a drunk and Uncle Dan had to find him a job. I’m supposed to be all screwed up over everything” Kevin adds.

“I’d like to think she came back for me” Brandt says.

“Oh Right.”

“It is the ugly brown and glass office building on the left. 5480” Brandt says.

Kevin pulls the car into a parking space. “We’re early” he says.

“You wanted to leave” Brandt says. He motions to a nearby coffee shop “coffee?”

Kevin says “ok but I’m through with the talk.”

“Good” Brandt says.

Brandt is tired when they return in late afternoon.

“Another appointment tomorrow? Two days in a row?” Kevin asks as he sets the keys on the counter. “I’ll get your groceries out of the car.”

“A different doctor” Brandt says.

“Do you need all that, the doctors?” Kevin asks.

“No, but it keeps my agent off my back. I’m under contract for another book” Brandt says.

“What’s this one about?”

Brandt considers for a moment as he sits in his chair “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to tell you. A government employee stuck in a useless and non productive job that everyone has forgotten about.”

Kevin saunters to the door “huh.”

Brandt settles into the chair and closes his eyes. He suddenly feels as though he can’t stay awake.

Kevin unloads the car and puts things away. He is concerned when the old man doesn’t move from the chair. “You alright?”

“Sure. I’m going to sit here a minute then see what your mother left me for dinner. I’ll watch the Pacer game later” Brandt says.

“Want me to get dinner?”

“No. You’ve run me around all day. I’m fine.” Brandt keeps his eyes closed.

“Maybe tomorrow you can tell me what The Last First Friday means” Kevin says.

“Fat chance,” Brandt mumbles with eyes closed.

“See you early.” Kevin hesitates in the doorway then leaves.

Brandt opens his eyes. His copy of The Last First Friday is gone from the side table. He closes his eyes.

Kevin has the book in hand when he returns the next morning. He can see his grandfather sitting in the chair with his feet on the ottoman. Kevin enters talking “I did it. I read it. Well most of it. I stayed up late.” His Grandfather looks at him and blinks. Kevin shuts the door still talking “you know what I found out? I’m a fast reader. I’m almost done.” He holds the book out.

Brandt blinks again.

“You don’t look ready to go. Want something to eat or coffee?” The boy asks and places the book on the side table. He sits on the ottoman and studies his Grandfather. “Hey, no,” Kevin says after a moment “no, you can’t. See I know now” he stares into his grandfather’s face. “Not now Grandpa, I know what it means. I know what The Last First Friday means.”

Yesterday is like it just happened and like it never happened at the same time. Today is like yesterday and time moves back and forth and slips away. Brandt looks at his grandson.

Return to Journal

William Baker has 15 short fiction publications to date and several more upcoming by June 2023. He doesn’t lack for story ideas and has never experienced writer’s block.

He maintains an author website with publication links at http://www.sylbun.com and can be contacted at: williambakerauthor@gmx.com.

He is currently working on numerous short stories and stage plays. He enjoys studying scripture, photography, amateur homesteading, and community theater. He lives a positive and purposeful life with his family in Indiana.

2 Fictions by Rod McConkey

Rod McConkey

A Parent’s Love

A loud crash and the sound of glass shattering brought Noah out of the book he was reading.

“Is everything okay, Matthew?” Noah called out.

“Um…” Matthew said.

Noah set the book aside and got up off the couch.

“Don’t move, I’ll be there in a second,”

“Don’t! There is broken glass everywhere,” Matthew said with a hint of something in his voice.

“What broke?” Noah said as he made it next door.

Matthew pointed at the destroyed picture frame that was lying on the ground.

“How did that happen?”

“I…” Matthew started to say but burst into tears.

“Come here Matthew,” Noah said as he sat in a chair. When Matthew came close enough, Noah grabbed him and pulled him onto his lap.

“Matthew, I won’t be mad,”

Noah waited patiently while Matthew calmed down.

“I was playing with the soccer ball and accidentally kicked it too hard,”

“Matthew-“

“-I know I am not supposed to play with the ball inside but-“

“-Matthew…”

“Dad, I am so sorry,” Matthew hiccupped out.

“Why were you not outside?”

“There’s a circus clown next door…”

Noah hugged Matthew harder.

“Oh, Jenny’s birthday is today,” Noah said, recalling that Rebecca had warned him a few days ago.

“Son, I’m so sorry I forgot about Jenny’s party,”

Matthew hugged his father back, gripping on tight.

“I was trying to be a big boy Dad,”

“You are a big boy Matthew, we all have something that scares us,”

“You’re scared of stuff?” Matthew said with surprise in his voice.

Noah brought his hands to Matthew’s sides and gave him a bit of a tickle.

“Of course, I am scared of spiders, burning dinner…”

“I don’t like spiders either!”

“Let’s be scared of spiders together,” Noah said, smiling at Matthew.

“I love you Matthew,”

“I love you too Daddy,”

Noah had a thought.

“Hey Matthew, how about we go grab some ice cream?”

“Ice cream! Can we go to Utterly Mad?” Matthew asked.

“Of course, we can,”

“Can I get chocolate ice cream with chocolate sprinkles…oh and fudge!”

“Are you going to share with me?” Noah teased.

“Dad, you don’t like chocolate ice cream!” Matthew said.

“You know me so well son,”

“Of course I do, your my dad”

Noah watched Matthew look over at the mess on the floor, he knew what Matthew was thinking.

“Don’t worry about it Matthew, I’ll clean it up when we get home,”

“Can I help?” Matthew said.

“We will see. How about we go and get our shoes on, should we walk or take the car?” Noah said.

“Let’s walk!” Noah said as he tore out of the room and ran to put his shoes on.

Noah chuckled as he followed. When Noah got to the front door, Noah’s heart swelled. Matthew had put his shoes on all by himself, his boy was growing up. Noah quickly put his shoes on and grabbed his keys.

“Are we ready to go?” Noah said as he padded his pocket, making sure he had his phone.

“I am Dad! Are you?”

“I have my keys and my phone, I think I’m good too,”

Noah opened the door and let Matthew go out first than followed behind him, locking up as he went.

“Race you?” Matthew said.

“You’re on, on three?”

Matthew nodded in confirmation but Noah saw the smirk.

“1…2…Matthew!” Noah said through a laugh. Matthew hadn’t waited for the 3 before he was off.

“I’m going to caught you!” Noah said sprinting after Matthew.

Ripples of Kindness

Luke held onto the weather-beaten sign and tried to mutter up a smile. The sun raged overhead like it was just as angry as he was. Sweat beaded his forehead, and his stomach was twisted into knots. He didn’t want to be there. Luke waited for the traffic signal to turn red. The vehicles would line up.

The first car, an older man, stopped at the light and ignored Luke and his sign. Luke could see the driver mumble the words etched on the cardboard, “Homeless, please help,” and then shake his head.

Luke didn’t need a mirror to know what he looked like. He had been on the street for more than a few days at that point. His clothes stuck to him like a second skin. Luke looked down at his clothes and tried brushing some of the more notable dirt away, but it was futile.

All Luke wanted was enough money to buy some food. Luke had given up hope of a miracle. He just wanted something in his stomach. He hadn’t eaten since yesterday, and all he could afford was a couple of cheap hamburgers.

Thinking about food made his stomach twist more. So far, Luke had only received $1.25 standing there for the last few hours, and that wasn’t even enough for one of those cheap burgers. He felt tired and embarrassed.

Luke almost missed the window rolling down a few vehicles back and a hand waving him over. He sprang forward eagerly.

Luke approached the vehicle as a hand came out to meet him. Luke extended and opened his left hand to accept what the stranger was offering. “A whole dollar,” Luke thought with his mouth wide open.

Luke quickly recovered and said, “Thanks!”

Luke quickly stuffed the dollar in his pocket.

“Have a good day,” the stranger said.

“You too,” Luke said, waving his hand.

Luke walked back to his chosen spot on the cement island. He had enough for a burger. It was almost lunchtime. He wanted to wait and see if he could get enough to afford a second burger so that he could justify giving up the rest of the day.

Another car pulled up to queue for the light change. Luke watched as the window rolled down. Luke knew better than to approach the car before they waved him over. A hand waved him over. Luke moved quickly. The light was going to change at any moment.

Once Luke got to the car, he extended his hand. The man opened his hand, and he dropped pieces of garbage into Luke’s hand. Luke didn’t say a word. He simply turned around and walked back to his spot.

As he walked, the man yelled, “Oh, you didn’t want trash.”

Luke didn’t react. He had learned already that by reacting that it gave the person what they wanted, the satisfaction of getting under his skin.

“He’s just an asshole,” Luke thought to himself.

It hurt. It wasn’t his choice to be homeless, to be so poor he had to beg to eat. The rage inside was a flash fire, but the car that was waving him over was a bucket of water, just what he needed.

As Luke approached the car, he noticed the guy was about his brother’s age. Just as he reached the window and made eye contact with the stranger, a horn squawked behind the stranger. Luke didn’t need to look to know that the light had betrayed him. Luke looked anyway, and his gut was right. The light had turned green.

Before Luke could move, the car was moving.

With his sign in front of him, he walked back to his starting position. Three hours and all he had to show for it was $2.25.

Luke watched as cars drove by. He stood there, waiting for the red light. Luke sighed. “I should just give up,” Luke mumbled to himself.

The light changed to red once again. Luke watched as three cars queued up, but none rolled down their windows. That didn’t help Luke’s mood.

“Hey!” said a voice from the parking lot.

Luke heard another “Hey!”

It took a moment, but Luke realized the guy was talking to him. Luke turned toward the voice to see that it was the man that had waved him over as the light had changed.

Luke stood frozen in place. He didn’t know what to do. He had never had someone come back.

“Can I buy you some lunch?” the man yelled as he walked closer to Luke.

The offer felt dangerous to Luke. It was like the man was hitting Luke right in the stomach.

“We can even eat at Bianca’s,” the stranger said, gesturing to the coffee shop he had parked at.

“What do you want in return?”

The man stopped at the edge of the curb. Only the road separated them.

“I don’t want anything, other than a chance to buy you a meal,” the stranger said.

“I don’t believe you,” Luke said, suspicious of the offer.

Luke looked the stranger up and down, taking him in.

“My name is Michael,” Michael said, ignoring Luke.

“Tell me, Michael, why should I trust you?”

“Because I want to help,”

Luke let out a laugh. “You want to help? Am I your good deed for the day?”

Luke immediately regretted his words as he saw the hurt look come across Michael’s face.

“I’m sorry, I’ve just heard it before,” Luke said.

“I understand,”

“The offer is still open,” he continued, gesturing to the coffee shop.

Luke stood there frozen again. He had acted like an ass, and Michael was still willing to extend his offer of food.

“Thanks Michael. I guess I can have lunch with you,”

“My name is Luke, by the way. Nice to meet you,” Luke continued.

“Hey Luke, nice to meet you as well. You okay with Bianca’s?” Michael asked.

“Yeah,” Luke said, tucking his sign into his backpack as he walked toward Michael.

Luke continued walking past Michael, toward the shop. Michael left some space but followed Luke.

“Did you want to leave your bag in my car?” Michael said.

A look of concern was enough for Michael to know what Luke was thinking.

“I won’t steal it or hold it hostage,”

“Fine,” Luke said after a moment.

Michael reached into his pocket and hit the unlock button.

“Put it on the passenger seat or the backseat, whichever you want,” Michael said.

Luke walked over and opened the passenger side door and placed his bag on the floorboard of the car and then, after a moment, he closed the door. Michael locked the car back up.

Luke followed Michael into the coffee shop without a word.

Once inside, Michael turned to Luke and said, “Can you grab us a seat, and I will grab us some food? Are you allergic to anything? Is there anything you don’t like?”

“I’m not allergic to anything,” Luke said reluctantly.

“What about foods you don’t like?”

“It’s okay,” Luke said dismissively.

“Whatever you choose is fine,” Luke continued.

Luke didn’t want Michael to regret his offer of a free meal, he would take whatever Michael ordered.

“Is there something you don’t like? Just tell me so I can order,” Michael said.

“I don’t want to be a bother, you’re buying the food,”

“Yeah, and I want you to enjoy it,” Michael said.

“I don’t like onions,” Luke finally said.

“See, that wasn’t so hard. Was there anything else?”

Michael felt like he was navigating a mine field blindly. He didn’t want to push too hard, but he didn’t want Luke to not enjoy the meal.

“Mushrooms,” Luke mumbled.

“Sorry, what?” Michael said as he leaned in closer.

“I don’t like mushrooms or mustard,” Luke said louder.

“Now, what do you want to drink?”

“And don’t say whatever,” Michael continued.

“Cola please,”

“Good choice” Michael said.

“It’s my favorite,”

“You okay with a turkey sandwich, with mayo?” Michael asked.

“That sounds…” Luke said, but his stomach screamed.

Luke felt betrayed by his stomach, but the sound of a turkey sandwich sounded way better than a cheap burger.

“Sounds like your stomach likes that,” Michael said with a laugh.

“Oh, did you want a donut or cookie for dessert? I was thinking of grabbing one myself,”

“Ummm,”

“Don’t give me that…” Michael said sternly.

“It’s too much.”

Luke was feeling overwhelmed.

“It’d be too much if you asked for both,” Michael tried to joke.

“Michael…”
“Stop, I asked to treat you,” Michael said.

“But-” Luke started.

“No buts, mister.”

Luke took a deep breath and then gave in.

“A cookie please. Are you sure?” Luke asked as doubt crept into his voice.

“Yes, now go grab a seat and I will order.”

“Okay…. thanks Michael,” Luke said.

Luke walked away, leaving Michael to order their food. Luke picked a table away from everyone else. He didn’t need a sense of smell to know that he was ripe. The stares did it for him.

“Why did I agree to this?” Luke thought.

A few moments later, Michael arrived with the food.

“Thanks,” Luke said, eyes locked on the delicious sandwich.

“That looks so much better than a burger,” Luke thought.

“No worries, Luke,” Michael said as he sat the tray down and handed over Luke’s meal.

Luke was already devouring the turkey sandwich before Michael could sit down.

“Is it good?”

“Willy ood” Luke said with his mouth full.

Luke stopped long enough to grab a long drag of his pop.

“Thank you,”

Michael smiled as he took a bite of his sandwich.

“You’re welcome,”

Michael had a question to ask, but he wasn’t sure how Luke was going to react. Michael watched as Luke moved onto his cookie. Luke took his time with the cookie.

Michael placed down his sandwich. “There isn’t going to be any good time,” Michael thought.

“Luke…”

Luke caught the tone right away and perked up and looked Michael in the eye.

“I knew it was too good to be true,” Luke thought.

“How did you end up on the street?”

A moment passed and then another, and Luke didn’t say anything. The silence that was growing between Luke and Michael was becoming uncomfortable for them both as time continued. Michael’s question still hung in the air like an offending odour. Luke looked like he was deep in thought, a war waging in his mind. Michael was sitting there awkwardly, wishing he could take back his question.

Michael glanced outside and noticed that it had begun to rain. As his glance returned to Luke, Michael noticed that the dining room was pretty much empty except for a man in the corner sipping his coffee leisurely and a couple across the room enjoying lunch as well.

Luke refused to hold Michael’s eye again. His eyes seemed to be locked on the empty plate on the table. Michael didn’t know what to say or do. Luke knew that lunch had been too good to be true. There was always a cost to pay.

Michael was afraid that Luke would bolt for the door. He wouldn’t blame Luke. Michael just wanted to help him out, but he didn’t really know how to. Luke’s brother had been little help.

Tommy should have been the one that had come. Luke didn’t know Michael. Tommy was away at College and had no way back to town. Michael had been the only choice that Tommy had to help find his brother. Tommy had only heard about Luke being kicked out when Tommy called his father, wondering why Luke was ignoring his texts and calls. It would devastate Tommy to see the condition his brother was in. Luke’s clothes were caked in dirt and were beyond ripe. It surprised Michael that they had not asked them to leave yet.

Luke focused on Michael’s question, and he didn’t want to answer Michael’s question. It was too painful. He did not want to relive that day. The wound was still wide open and bleeding. Luke was just ignoring it. He hoped that with time that it would close and heal on its own.

Just bringing up that his father kicked him out caused pain to erupt in Luke’s chest. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes. It was taking everything in Luke’s power to fight against, thinking about why his father kicked him out and everything he had experienced since.

In the next instance, anger burned where the pain just was. Luke clenched his jaw. Michael didn’t understand. He didn’t know what that day was like. How quickly Luke’s world changed. Luke lost a piece of himself that day. He no longer had a family.

Michael observed that something was going on inside Luke’s mind, but he did not know what was going on.

Michael finally reached out and placed his hand on Luke’s trying to offer what little comfort to Luke that he could, but it surprised Luke. Luke, without thinking, retracted his hand.

Luke tilted his head so that he was looking Michael in the eye. “Why?”

“I want to help,”

Luke wanted to believe Michael, he wanted to trust him, but how could he? Michael was a stranger. His gut even told him he could trust Michael, and it didn’t sit right with Luke. He felt confused.

“Thanks for the offer, but I don’t feel comfortable,” Luke said.

“What if I could make you feel more comfortable?”

“I don’t think that’s possible.” Luke said with a sigh.

“If I do, I have a couch with your name on it,”

“Yeah okay,” Luke said.

Michael straightened up in his seat. “What if I told you I know your brother?”

“You know Tommy?” Luke said, surprised.

Michael let out a small laugh before answering, “Know him? He’s one of my good friends.”

“We went to Crestwood together,” Michael continued.

“I don’t remember you,” Luke said, almost accusatory.

“Let’s just say I wasn’t welcome.” Michael hissed.

Luke’s eyes widened, “Oh”.

“Yeah,”

A few moments of silence passed.

“Did my brother send you?” Luke said finally.

“No. He doesn’t know I was out looking for you. He called me last night in a panic after getting off the phone with your father. He’s so worried about you. He was ready to hitch a ride back here.”

“So, he isn’t…”

“God no!” Michael said.

“You should have heard him on the phone,” Michael said.

Michael watched as Luke’s shoulders dropped and tears fell down Luke’s face.

“Do you want to call him?” Michael continued, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

“Are you sure?” Luke said, worried it was too good to be true.

“Yes, now grab it, it’s dialling,” Michael said, as he handed over the phone.

Hands shaking, Luke reached out and grabbed the phone and put it to his ear. “Hello?”

“Luke? Is that you?”

“Yeah Tommy, it’s me.”

“Are you okay?”

Luke looked over at Michael and said, “I am now”.

“Thank you,” Luke mouthed to Michael.

Return to Journal

Rod McConkey, an emerging writer from Peterborough, Ontario, immersed himself in books during high school. Attending Fleming College twice, while uncertain of his path, he now pursues his undergrad at Trent University. With a passion for storytelling, Rod’s writing is characterized by keen observation and emotive narratives. Dedicated to growth, he crafts his unique literary voice, drawing inspiration from Ontario’s landscapes and diverse tales. As an emerging literary force, Rod promises readers captivating stories that authentically explore human experiences.

Family Feud. Fiction by Navraj Sandhar

Family Feud

The soft sizzle of buttered bread on the pan filled the kitchen with a comforting scent. David, standing in a worn apron, expertly flipped a slice of French toast as Megan, still rubbing sleep from her eyes, entered the room, drawn in by the enticing smell. She reached for the coffee pot with her gaze fixed on David.

“Good morning. Why are you up so early?”

“Morning! Just cooking some breakfast,”

The sizzling continued, Megan arched an eyebrow, “You woke up just to make breakfast, what’s the occasion?”

“Nothing special. I wanted to make breakfast for you and Jane. I thought you deserved to sleep in and wake up to your favorite.”

The golden hue of morning sunlight painted the kitchen in warmth. David worked at the stove; the lazy Sunday morning smell of French toast wafted through a shared space. Today though, the atmosphere was different.

“Okay… thanks. You’re being weirdly nice today. What do you want?” Megan’s skepticism filled the room like a subtle challenge.

“Can’t I just do something nice for my family without being accused of having ulterior motives? Maybe you just need to learn appreciate to things,” David said, his tone laced with defensiveness.

“Forget I said anything. The French toast looks good. It’s nice to take a break for once. Thanks, sweetie.”

The fragility of the moment persisted as David served the French toast, his eyes piercing Megan with a disconcerting stare. The clink of utensils on plates echoed in the quiet unease of the room.

“So… where’s Carl?” David asks.

Megan sighed, a weariness in her voice. “Probably still sleeping.”

“Of course he is. Have you gotten around to telling him to leave?”

David’s question overshadowed breakfast. Megan hesitated, torn between a past she couldn’t forget and a present that demanded resolution.

“Ugh David, why do you hate him so much?”

The warmth of the kitchen seemed to diminish as Megan posed the question, inviting a storm of suppressed emotions. David’s response tinged with impatience.

“He needs to stop leaching off us and get a job. It’s weird you let your ex live with us.”

Megan’s defenses rose, they’ve had this conversation before, but regardless of how many times she agrees with David, she still feels the need to defend Carl.

“I can’t just kick him out on the street, he’s not in a good place right now. Plus, he’s still the father of my child, I need to let Jane see her dad.”

“You gotta do it eventually, you’re not setting a good example for her, letting the man control your life like this.”

Megan’s fingers hesitated, tracing the edge of her coffee mug as she stole glances at the framed photographs lining the walls. David’s eyes met hers, a silent question hanging between them. With a sigh, she poured herself a cup of coffee, the sizzle of French toast emboldened the drawn-out silence.

“I guess you’re right, but not right now, it’s too cruel. We gotta let him get back on his feet.”

The constraints of the current job market left Carl with few options, not for a lack of trying though.

A fragile peace settled over the kitchen, overshadowed by the simmering conflict that lays beneath the surface. Breakfast continued, but the tension lingered like a bitter aftertaste.

“Fine, but it better not take too long.”

Megan, now seated at the table, pondered about her situation. David’s disapproving stare cut through her thoughts, reopening wounds she had hoped to heal. The silence roared, broken only by the rhythmic clinking of cutlery against plates.

Megan took the dishes and walked to the kitchen to begin making lunch for Jane. The familiar routine offered a momentary escape.

“Sometimes on Sundays, Carl would make this really nice French toast. You should get his recipe,” Megan said.

“I thought I told you to drop it.”

David’s frustration boiled to the surface, Megan’s constant mentions of Carl is a persistent thorn in their relationship.

“What do you mean?” Megan asks.

“You know exactly what I mean. You’re just trying to get a rise out of me.”

“You bring this up every few weeks, David. If there’s a new problem, you need to spit it out.”

David’s frustration bubbled over, the ongoing tension demanding acknowledgment. “I told you what the problem is. It’s Carl. He’s an annoying freeloader!”

The accusation hung in the air, a stark contrast to the aroma of breakfast that lingered. Megan, caught between loyalties, struggled to find a middle ground.

“Why does he always make you so mad?”

The question, posed by Megan, opened a Pandora’s box of unresolved resentment. David’s response was laden with a mixture of jealousy and genuine concern.

“Because I want him out. This is our house. You guys got divorced years ago, and yet you still let him live here. It’s not like he’s been a good father to your daughter; he probably can’t even remember her birthday.”

Jane was slightly taken aback by David’s outburst. Despite having this argument over and over again, he’d never mentioned his relationship with Jane until now.

“At least he tries, that’s more than I can say about my dad. He’s there when she needs him. If I ask him to leave, I’ll just be taking Jane’s father away from her.”

“I’m not asking you to take him away from her; I’m asking you to make him live his own life. Why can’t you just do that? Do you still have feelings for him?”

It was clear to David that Megan had a reluctance to sever the ties that bound them. Their shared history, both a comfort and a burden, lay between them like an unspoken contract.

“Oh my god, of course not.”

“Then why are you always standing up for him? Is there something you want to tell me?”

Megan, now exasperated, insisted on her innocence.

“I don’t have anything I need to tell you. Calm down, you’re overreacting. I’m doing this for Jane, and only for Jane.”

Megan glanced down, her fingers still playing with the napkin on the table, her eyes softened as she reached out and gently touched David’s hand. David’s body tensed, his eyes narrowing with intensity as he pulled his hand away.

“Oh please, we both know you feel bad for him. How is Jane gonna turn out with a crappy father figure like him?”

“David, come on. He’s done a good job at fathering Jane… he loves her. She’s your daughter now too, and you barely even act like it.”

David, tired of being compared to a man he deemed unworthy, struggled to find common ground.

“You need to stop comparing me to that freeloading scumbag. I care for Jane more than he ever could.”

“If you truly cared, you wouldn’t be begging me to destroy her father’s life.”

David’s chair scraped loudly against the floor as he pushed back abruptly, his fists clenched at his sides, his jaw tightening as he leaned forward.

“Destroy his life? He destroyed his own life! I’m tired of you defending him all the time; I’m tired of you treating him better than you treat me. If you love him so much, why don’t you go back to him?”

“God David, I love you. Stop being so childish. You’re jealous of him, is that it?”

Megan’s breath was caught in her throat, she nervously twisted the wedding ring on her finger, catching David’s attention. Megan was blinking rapidly trying to hold back tears, then broke eye-contact and looked away. Her arms hugging her own body as if seeking protection and her shoulders tensing as she turned to face David as he paced back and forth around the kitchen, rubbing his hands against his face in frustration.

“Jesus, do you really think I’m gonna be jealous of that guy?”

“So why do you keep bringing it up?”

“…I just want him out.”

“You’re being annoying, just repeating yourself. Let’s just relax for a little,” Megan said.

“No.”

“No?”

The cycle of accusation and defense continued, the room growing colder with every exchanged word.

“Do I smell French toast?” Jane asks as she enters the kitchen.

“Sure is, sweetheart. David made breakfast for us,” Megan replied, attempting to inject normalcy into a strained moment.

“Yay! Let me go wake up daddy; he’s gonna be so excited. We love French toast.”The innocence of Jane’s excitement momentarily softened the tension, a reminder of the simple joys that family life could offer.

“Eat up and get dressed; you’re gonna be late for school,” David added.

“But dad usually drives me to school.”

“Your father’s busy, hun. I’ll drop you off before work,” David suggested.

“Okay.”

As David and Jane prepared to leave, Megan, with a forced smile, handed David Jane’s lunch and kissed him on the cheek.

“Have a good day.”

(Word Count: 1515)

This story is about David’s desire to confront his wife Megan about her ex-husband Carl living with them, leading to a heated argument exposing deep-seated resentment and insecurities in their relationship, with Megan and Carl’s daughter Jane unwittingly caught in the middle.

Return to Journal

Navraj Sandhar is a fourth-year Journalism and Creative Writing student at Trent University in Ontario, Canada. This story was written as part of the coursework for Advanced Seminar in Creative Writing. As an emerging journalist, I am passionate about weaving words and shedding light on underreported stories. I strive to evoke empathy, provoke thought, and capture the essence of the human experience with vivid imagery and evocative language.

Emotional Curiosity. Fiction by Yuan Changming

Yuan Changing

Emotional Curiosity

Ming is definitely sure he has fallen in love with Hua once again in their mythically entangled lives, at first sight during a recent encounter casually arranged by a common friend, at an age too old to enjoy the full dimensions of sexual love, more passionately than passion itself, though separated from her afar by the vast Pacific as well as by the vicious Pandemic, while he has been living quite happily with his beloved wife in Vancouver, the true earthly paradise of all Chinese diasporas as he sees it.

Despite his certainty about his own feelings for Hua, there are still many things he is not sure about: for example, what is it exactly that is so special about her? Why does he find her so irresistible? How much does she love him now? Does he love Hua and his wife at the same time, to the same extent, and in the same sense? Is his affection for Hua a “spiritual derailment,” a case of Platonic love, or something really immoral? How should he control, if he could at all, his clandestine relationship with Hua? Perhaps he ought to confess their intimacy to his wife? What if his wife finds it out for herself? But among a dozen more such questions, he is wondering, first and foremost, why on earth he has cherished such a long and strong affection for Hua. “What emotional spell has she cast over my poor soul?” Without getting a satisfactory answer to this question, he knows he will never “die with his eyes completely closed,” just as the Chinese proverb goes.

After doing much thinking, he finds that the best answer he can come up with lies probably in a variety of things working together at the same time.

1/ The First-Love Complex
It was at a schoolwide meeting held in the big auditorium in the county town of Songzi on a mid-summer afternoon that Hua happened to come and sit right before him on the bare floor made of hard mud. He was then 15 years young while she, as he learned decades later, was only 14, and a year before she would have her first menstrual experience. “Our school does have a really pretty girl after all,” he thought aloud upon spotting her. He was not sure if he developed a crush on her on the spot, nor did he have the slightest idea that she would function as the model of love or female attraction for him for the rest of his life, but he did feel something like sexual agitation for the first time in his life. Since then, he had become increasingly sensitive to female beauty.

People often say all Chinese men have a serious and persistent First-Love Complex: is his lifelong emotional attachment to Hua an unavoidable result of this very first encounter?

2/ The Native-Place Complex
Since ancient times, all Chinese are said to have cherished a particular feeling for the places where they were born and bred. No matter how far away or how long they are separated from their native villages or hometowns, they would mostly want to return to their “roots’ like fallen leaves, especially when they are old, either for the peace of their emotional beings or for the perfect taste of the local foods. However, Ming was even not sure which his native place exactly was. Lotus Flower Village was the place where he lived for five years as a foster child, but it had given him only bad memories, and Songzi, his birthplace, was no better, with its hellish climate, its people mostly hypocritical, insincere, snobbish, or vulgar – though quite smart. When he grew up, he had two explicit reasons to detest his native place, be it Songzi or Lotus Flower Village. As if somehow deeply traumatized by his early failures to learn English and get his poetry accepted before leaving the countryside to attend university in Shanghai, he could not say a single English word or write a single line of poetry, no matter how long he stayed there as a returning visitor, though English and poetry were the two most essential elements in his adult life: the former is the language he has chosen to make a living in, the latter his only lifelong hobby.

However, simply because of Hua or, more exactly, because of his feelings for her, he has recently found Songzi much more loveable than he’d used to think. “Love you, love your dog,” he often says to her. Since she likes the small town tremendously, he has become attached to it too, and all the more so now because it is the only place where he could hope to see and spend time privately with her, where they could eat what they both like most, such as salted diaozi fish, fried green chilis, xiangzi tofu, carp fish cakes and ciba paste.

Or, perhaps vice versa: it is precisely because he is so deeply attached to his native place without his knowing it that he finds Hua more attractive than any other women he has seen all over the world.

3/ The Zhiqing (Educated-Youth) Complex
As a unique sociopolitical movement in modern Chinese history, “Up to the Hills and Down to the Countryside” occurred between 1956 and 1978. Like millions of other educated youths of the time, Ming and Hua were compelled to answer Chairman Mao’s call to receive “re-education from the poor and lower-middle peasants” as soon as they graduated from high school. While slaving together in Mayuhe, the forest farm only steps away from the Yangtze River, they shared not only the same physical but also psychological hardships between 1974 and 1977. To end their lives as “earth repairers,” they competed fiercely at the youth station, a miniature of the Colosseum. With the local folks as the audience, every Zhiqing must fight to their best ability like a gladiator, whose gladius was no other than their own willpower, determination and physical endurance.

Now, with all their hardships faded into the white pages of time, they only remember what was sweet about the old days when he and she fought shoulder-to-shoulder for their futures like two comrades-in-arms having chemistry with each other in a real battlefield. Back then, he knew it too well that if he hadn’t hidden his feelings for her well, his indulgence in a romantic relationship or “petty bourgeois sentiments” would surely have thwarted all his efforts to leave the country. Before his reencounter with Hua in 2019, he did try to get information about her whereabouts, but never without any success. As a result, they remained totally lost to each other for as long as 42 years. Now as they became reconnected, his nostalgic affection for her was not only recovered but was gaining a new momentum, which, in Hua’s own words, “is a typical case of the zhiqing complex.”

4/ The Misconception-in-Love Complex
Unlike de Clerambault’s Syndrome, which is medically referred to as a kind of delusional disorder, what Chinese describe as zizuoduoqing (“自作多情”) is a quite normal psychological tendency to over-estimate one’s importance in a relationship. As such, it is not a morbid state of mind, but an emotional inclination, which seems to be much more common among the sensitive, the self-centered, the self-confident and/or the narcissistic than among people with other characteristic features. As Ming himself has admitted many times, he is particularly sensitive in emotional matters. For example, when Hua gave him a tuner in Mayuhe in the summer of 1975 (just to help him learn to play the erhu as she explained decades later), he over-interpreted her gesture and treasured the device as a token of love from her. The reason for this, as he sees it now, must have been underlined by a close interrelationship between his own deep feelings for her and his strong (mis)belief that she loved him as well. When Hua asked him to return it sometime in the following year, he thought she had found a new sweetheart, who he suspected was Pan Lihao, his major rival at the youth station. Until they found the truth eventually with the help of a mutual friend during the Chinese Spring Festival in 2022, he had remained unaware that a part of him had been living heavily on the delusion all the time.

Since then, he has been trying hard to find a cultural equivalent in English to describe such delusional indulgence, but surprisingly, no native speakers or writers of English or online source could offer him a set phrase, and the closest word he has dug up seems to be “erotomania,” which, like “de Clerambault’s Syndrome,” is far from an accurate description. After consulting several exceptionally talented translators in addition to some bi-linguists of the highest caliber, he realized there is no such equivalent in English at all, and the best translations they could render is “delusional fancy as someone’s love interest,” “emotionally self-flattering” and “misconception in love,” depending upon the specific context. They say “benign erotomania” might convey the basic meaning more accurately, but it sounds quite weird to people with little knowledge about the psychiatric condition. And this linguacultural difference keeps him wondering: how come such emotional tendency is so common among Chinese but not among English speakers?

Thinking along this line, he wonders if his affection for Hua may well have been an unconscious projection of his own delusional fancy as her love interest, or may it not?

*           *            *

While biding their time to join each other in body as in spirit, Ming just cannot stop searching for the ultimate truth about why he loves her in such a morbid manner, but the more he tries, the more he becomes confused and confounded. Perhaps he is either a unique victim fated to suffer from the Hua-Complex, or a common guy who has simply been in desperate need of love since childhood. Or, in a larger sense, is it all because he is living an aesthetic rather than an ethical life as Breton has defined the terms?

He is never sure, nor does anyone really care.

*This story is inspired by and devoted to Helena Qi Hong (祁红).

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Yuan Changming edits Poetry Pacific with Allen Yuan in Vancouver. Credits include 12 Pushcart nominations for poetry and 2 for fiction besides appearances in Best of the Best Canadian Poetry (2008-17), BestNewPoemsOnline and 2019 other literary outlets worldwide. A poetry judge for Canada’s 2021 National Magazine Awards, Yuan began writing and publishing fiction in 2022.

The Strange Wonderful Life of Lakeesha Rydell. Fiction by Michael Edwards

Michael Edwards

The Strange Wonderful Life of Lakeesha Rydell

Also Known As

(The Dearly Beloved) Sister Cecilia

Formerly of Detroit, Michigan

 

In Detroit, Lakeesha Rydell is a legend.  To this day.  It’s all in the record, of course, but let me retell it right here, in writing, one last time.  To honor her. 

As you may already know, Lakeesha was American.  She was black, and she was lesbian.  And the world was too much for her, so she became a nun.  A Catholic nun.  And oh, that is a story in itself, but let me move along.  I can circle back, later on. 

The Mother Superior of that order had taken a special interest in Lakeesha, from day one, and had helped her through the entire process.  It took quite a while, but Lakeesha finally made her vows.  She had now taken on a new life, and she was, therefore, given a new name:  Sister Cecilia.  

And then she went back into the neighborhood, to make a difference.  First of all, to convert the drug dealers.  Because she knew:  they were a plague upon the neighborhood.  And a torment to the people.  After all, she said to herself, Saint Francis had tried to convert the King of Babylon.  And Lord Jesus had tried to convert the Jews.  Not to mention, all things are possible with God.  All things are possible to one who believes. 

But then, after a great deal of missionary work in the streets, Lakeesha realized that she would, first, have to convert the drug kings, at the top.  They were the source of the problem.  And the agents of Satan.  But, however she tried, (and she did try, in every way she knew), she couldn’t reach them.  They wouldn’t even give her an audience. The Pope, himself, might have given her an audience, in Rome, but not the drug kings.  In their pride.  

So, like Jesus in the temple, confronting the money changers, Lakeesha went back into the streets and confronted the gang members who were pushing the drugs, right out in the open, and killing killing killing.  Yes, even killing each other.  Every day.  Every night.  So, she confronted them, every day and every night.  It was spiritual warfare, to her, and she used the only weapons she had at her disposal.  Scripture, prayer, forgiveness, love, and the name of the Lord.  

Then, one night, some gang members got tired of laughing at her, so they threatened her, with killing.  But they didn’t realize: she didn’t want to live, anyway.  So they beat her up, and gang raped her, and shot her in the head.  And left her for dead.  

And, thus, they had created yet another martyr for the church.   Or so it seemed.

Because, next, when she crossed over to heaven, (as the story goes, and I believe it), she was told, in no uncertain terms, to go back, that she had work to do and a job left unfinished  — and, frankly, a lot of sins to work off.  So, it seemed a miracle to all who witnessed it, but Lakeesha recovered in the hospital, and then again, in the rehab clinic, where she learned to walk again.  The church, kindly, had covered all her expenses with their insurance. 

Therefore, one fine day, the sun shining above, she walked out again, a bit unsteady, but able to think more clearly than ever.  More simply, but more clearly.  And one eye blind:  it had been replaced with a glass eye, (which looked a little bit sideways).  

Then Lakeesha went straight to a pawn shop, bought a Colt Detective Special revolver, chambered in .38 caliber, and one box of ammo (with money she had taken from the poor box at the downtown church) — and went looking for the gang that had ruined her that night.   After all, she thought to herself, Lord Jesus had said, sell your cloak, and buy a sword.  And, as she walked out of that pawn shop, she whispered quietly to herself, “Praise God.  Praise God.”

Back in the neighborhood, Lakeesha went walking down the middle of the street in full nun regalia.  Oh yes.  And because of her holy blissful expression, she looked almost like an angel from heaven.  An avenging angel.  Because — may I be honest? — her plan was to kill somebody.  To shoot him in the heart three times. Wham, wham, wham.  Just like that.  

And there he was.  There he was.  Our dear Lakeesha, yes, a Catholic nun, walked up to the first teen she saw, wearing gang colors, pulled out the Colt, and put her finger on the trigger of that revolver.   

Thank God, it was one of those long, hard triggers, typical of revolvers, because as she began to apply some pressure to the trigger, and the hammer came back, the teen looked at her and said, “Girl, what are you doin’ with that gun?”  And he wasn’t even afraid, because she was a nun, and by that time, well known in the neighborhood — although, unbeknownst to him, he was already as good as dead and in hell.  

But just then, as clear as a bell, Lakeesha heard a voice.  It said, simply, “Sister Cecilia!”  And she looked up.  And she knew, as plain as day, (how she knew, I don’t know), but it was the voice of Mother Mary, calling out to her.  Commanding her, in effect.  To look up.  To the source of her salvation. 

And, suddenly, Lakeesha took her finger off that trigger, let the hammer down, and put the Colt back in her habit.  And walked away.  And then she kept on walking.  

One lady, leaning out of a window, five stories up, said, “What the hell did I just see?”  And she kept watching as Lakeesha kept walking — until Lakeesha took a slow right turn and disappeared from view.  

Down below, a crowd was gathering.  And that lady, up above, pulled her head back in and said, “I didn’t see nothin’.”

In this way, Lakeesha Rydell, the black, lesbian nun, from Detroit, Michigan, also known as Sister Cecilia, escaped, (but very narrowly), the snares of Satan.  

And three days later, without any explanation, Lakeesha put in a request to be transferred to the nunnery in Key West, Florida.  Where she lives on, to this day.  Much older now, and a much beloved character.  With the one glass eye that looks a little bit sideways, and the holy blissful expression that never seems to go away, no matter what.  In the paradise of the Florida sun.  

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Michael Edwards is a newly-retired college professor, living in Florida.  Recently, with more time on his hands, he has begun to publish more than ever.  His most recent publication is a poem, titled “Roller Coaster,” in The Odd magazine.

Editorial: Closing Remarks. By Olga Stein

olga-stein89

Editorial: Closing Remarks

Dear Readers,

As we appear to be on the last edition of WordCity, I want to take a moment to thank all of you for your support and attention to our magazine. We started this project in 2020, at the height of a world-shattering pandemic, and we’ve continued it through events that even the pandemic couldn’t have prepared us for — Russia’s brutal invasion of Ukraine, Hamas’s barbaric attack on defenceless Israelis on October 7, 2023, Hamas’s hostage-taking of hundreds of civilians, including infants, and the ensuing war on Gaza, a state whose two million people have paid a terrible price for being governed by Hamas, a proxy for the theocratic and ideologically imperialistic dictatorship of Iran.

We started this magazine as a way to offer writers a platform that was inclusive and supportive. Our aim was also to counter the effects of the COVID pandemic by doing something productive and creative (look up my editorial on the connection between writing and well-being in our March 2022 issue: https://wordcitylit.ca/2022/03/18/editorial-by-olga-stein/). Importantly, our editors saw an opportunity to help other writers get published, whether experienced or new to their practice. This is no small public service, especially at a time when a vast number of people were confined to homes, and watched with horror the rising number of COVID’s victims.

For our Canadian contributors, WordCity turned out to be a boon. Canada’s CanLit community has a genius for gatekeeping on the one hand, and incestuousness on the other. Many Canadian writers debuted their work in this magazine because we made a point of being welcoming to all. Authors from the Indian and African subcontinents also had the chance to reach North American readers — many of for the first time — because of WordCity. Of note is that a number of our editors are non-Canadian, and this allowed us to forge friendships across national borders and continental divides. These literary networks and associations feel entirely normal today, but five years ago, they stunned me by rendering whole continents accessible for frequent conversations with fellow editors and contributors.

For me personally, the welcome extended by our chief editor, Darcie Friesen Hossack (who, I might add, is a truly gifted, accomplished, and published short story and novel writer), was a gift for which I’ll always remain grateful. I never tired of thanking Darcie for giving me a voice! I hope, likewise, that my curatorial and editing efforts have given others a chance to speak out, express themselves and leave a literary footprint they can build on in other literary venues. That is certainly one of the ways I viewed our publishing project.

While doing all of the above, WordCity endeavoured to keep an eye on world events, and discuss issues that mattered to each and everyone of us. When Roe vs Wade was overturned in 2022, for example, we were on it. We dedicated an issue to the social harms the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision would cause. When Russia began its senseless, corrupt, expansionist war on Ukraine, we spoke out, and featured stories, memoirs, and poems translated from the Ukrainian that addressed Russia’s ambitions, and described the toll on Ukrainian people. We published reviews of books and series, as well as lengthy, deeply researched essays, some of which made Canada’s best magazines look modest by comparison.

With this last issue, we mustn’t forego the opportunity to speak of the danger to the world order posed by Russia, Iran, and to a lesser extent China. Iran and Russia, Russia and Iran! If you need a current-day equivalent of an evil empire, look no further. How anyone can argue that Russia isn’t a Neo-Imperial order, with a small cadre of corrupt inner-circle bureaucrats bent on self-enrichment at the expense of Ukrainians and their own citizens, is beyond me. How anyone can deny that Iran is a theocratic dictatorship, driven by its own brand of religious-political ideology, and determined to export it via its proxies throughout the Middle East, is also beyond me. Nor should I or anyone else who isn’t from Iran be the voice that speaks on behalf of Iranian citizens and informs others about the country’s current regime. Persians who’ve fled and are now are our much-admired neighbours and beloved students, tell us about how Iran’s mullahs have degraded the country since 1979. Hear them. Iran’s Supreme Leader is also known as the Supreme Leader of the Islamic Revolution. Shouldn’t his title clue in and worry our talking heads (not to mention the students protesting on university campuses) just a little? How much, we need to ask, have Iran, Qatar, China, and Russia paid (oh, yes, the influence-peddling is very real!) to shape the narrative we depend on to understand the world?             Take a look at the donors’ lists of America’s Ivy League universities and you’ll get an inkling of what and who is managing our young people’s education. ISGAP’s 2023 report on this state of affairs states: “At least 100 American colleges and universities illegally withheld information on approximately $13 billion in undocumented contributions from foreign governments, many of which are authoritarian….Speech intolerance — manifesting as campaigns to investigate, censor, demote, suspend, or terminate speakers and scholars — was higher at institutions that received undocumented money from foreign regimes.” Google for yourselves “Qatari involvement in higher education in the United States,” and you’ll find part of the explanation for the well-coordinated pro-Palestinian encampments (with their perfectly matching tents, y’all) at universities across the US and Canada.

Here’s a small but important reminder of how things actually stand: Billions of dollars in foreign aid to Gaza were used by Hamas over the past two decades to construct hundreds of miles of underground tunnels for the express purpose of destroying the only country in the world with a Jewish majority. For the Hamas dictatorship, this goal has overridden all others, including the protections of its civilians. Not a single Palestinian child was given protection in those tunnels. And yet, to listen to, and read, the rhetoric that Israel’s defensive campaign has produced is enough to depress anyone genuinely concerned about human rights generally, and women’s rights in particular.

So-called feminists in academic settings all over the world (certainly in Canada), have used their positions and platforms to do what exactly? Not to denounce the rape and murder of Israeli girls and women on October 7, 2023. Nor have they condemned the hostage-taking of civilian men, women, children and tots, or the brutal murder, just recently, of six captives held underground in unimaginable conditions — tortured, starved, sexually abused — for 11 months. Very strangely, these same ‘feminists’ are also failing to speak up for the real apartheid established by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Please see Meryl Streep’s speech in support of Afghan women and girls at the United Nations, where she’s pleading for Sunni communities worldwide to intervene on behalf of “half of the entire population [in Afghanistan], who are incarcerated” (watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGMphi9w85c). Do I hear female academics speaking up in outrage over the forcible confinement and silencing of Afghan women? I don’t. Does it detract from my mental health to know that I’m surrounded by blinkered hypocrites? You bet it does.

Don’t even get me started on the UN, an organization that is corrupt to its marrow. Iran’s appointment to chair the 2023 UN Human Rights Council Social Forum speaks volumes about this circus. As Gianna Gancia, an Italian politician and member of the European Parliament (since 2019), wrote in response: “The appointment of Ali Bahreini, Ambassador of the Islamic Republic of Iran and Permanent Representative to the United Nations, to chair the 2023 United Nations Human Rights Council (UNHRC) Social Forum (2 and 3 November 2023), is nothing more than a slap in the face, given the human rights situation of most Iranians, particularly women, and the repeated executions in the wake of the ongoing protests in the country and, more generally, the Islamic Republic’s gross human rights violations and its catastrophic and politicised handling of the COVID-19 pandemic, when its refusal to import Western vaccines cost hundreds of thousands of lives” (https://www.europarl.europa.eu/doceo/document/E-9-2023-001936_EN.html).

The UN did issue a press release in July of 2023, titled “Strongly Condemning Rise in Conflict-Related Sexual Violence, Speakers Urge Security Council to Better Prevent, Enforce Accountability for Such Crimes,” where it stated:

With gang rape, sexual slavery and other forms of sexual violence used as tactics of war amid rising militarization and weapons proliferation, the Security Council must close the gap between its commitments to address conflict-related sexual violence and the shocking realities for victims and survivors, delegates heard today during the 15-nation organ’s open debate on sexual violence in conflict situations.

During the day-long meeting titled “Promoting Implementation of Security Council Resolutions on Conflict-Related Sexual Violence,” 70 speakers took the floor, united in their condemnation of sexual violence in conflict, with many highlighting the urgent need for the Council to fully implement its various resolutions on the matter (https://press.un.org/en/2023/sc15357.doc.htm).

The above-given press release was likely a belated response to the rape of Ukrainian women and girls by Russian soldiers. The reports and witness statements compiled are so voluminous by now that it’ll take years to document and organize the information so as to bring charges of crimes against humanity against the Russian perpetrators. For more recent materials on these crimes, read the Florence Aubenas’s article for Le Monde, published in April or 2024 (https://www.lemonde.fr/en/international/article/2024/04/23/ukrainian-rape-survivors-experience-silence-or-shame_6669224_4.html).

Especially noteworthy, given the UN’s demonstration of interest in protecting women, is that it took until 11 March, 2024, for it to issue a statement that condemned the sexual violence perpetrated against Israeli women (and very young girls). The published statement, “Reasonable Grounds to Believe Conflict-Related Sexual Violence Occurred in Israel During 7 October Attacks, Senior UN Official Tells Security Council” (https://press.un.org/en/2024/sc15621.doc.htm), shamelessly engaged in its signature wriggling out of the morally imperative unequivocal condemnation of Hamas, as well as a curious if not nauseating what-about-ism (but then look once more at who chairs the UNHRC). First the author acknowledged what its investigator found: “‘It was a catalogue of the most extreme and inhumane forms of killing, torture and other horrors,’” including sexual violence, she stated.” Yet the same report also goes on to say: “On her visit to Ramallah, she spotlighted instances of sexual violence in the context of detention, such as invasive body searches; beatings, including in the genital areas; and threats of rape against women and female family members.” I’m all for punishing even the slightest form of abuse under detention (truly, these allegations are sickening), but pardon me for thinking that mass slaughter and multiple instances of gang rape and dismemberment aren’t quite the same things as “body searches,” and “threats of rape.” If such abuse is going on, it’s doubtlessly reprehensible, and should be punished with imprisonment, nothing less. Again, though, accusations of abuse aren’t quite the same things as material proof in the form of, say, videos taken by high-on-Captagon Hamas terrorists (NOT resistance fighters — get this straight!) and the charred or dismembered remains of the murdered, including those of entire families.

The continued refusal to admit and condemn the full scope of the horrors inflicted on Israelis by feministas whose pity, it seems, extends only in one direction, the celebration of the atrocities committed on Oct 7 on campuses, and the support for these celebrations by members of university departments, does impact our mental health. What’s worse, it undermines the nation’s collective moral health. Currently, we’re witness to wide-scale degradation of the public sphere with aggressive and hate-filled rhetoric. You ask, “What comes next?” The answer is further social breakdown, but this time through violence. Any government that continues ignoring this rhetoric and demonstrations of aggression toward its citizens is remiss in its duties, and will have cause to regret it.

Finally, since mental health is the subject, let me narrow the focus, and say something about the state of Ontario’s colleges, just one of consequences of what I call the gold rush created by the internationalization of Canada’s education industry. On September 24, the Ontario College Faculty, representing all unionized college instructors, published a list of the earnings of the 24 college presidents (by no means representing the entire senior administrative/management staff at the colleges). The presidents’ combined annual salaries amount to $7,340,429.88. This drain on the college systems’ available moneys (that is, the use of profits for personal enrichment by senior administrative teams), is why the recently introduced federal cap on international students has caused scores of part-time instructors across Ontario not to be hired for the fall of 2024 term, myself included. This unceremonious exclusion of instructors who invested years in improving their course materials and teaching methods, often without even so much as a word of warning or a ‘thank-you for your hard work and contribution to our school’ is directly linked to these outsized salaries. The biggest worry for Ontario colleges now, it would appear, is how to keep paying the administrators’ salaries without the profits they’d grown accustomed to accumulating from the tuitions of foreign students. These profits are in the billions, I sh-t you not. Yet part-time instructors have been ‘prudently’ pruned so that payments to college presidents and other senior admins can continue undiminished.

The situation of profit-mongering and resulting exploitation at these colleges is even worse than the above-given suggests. The vastly expanded flow of funds from international students (many of them poor, and literally selling everything their families owned to pay for one year’s tuition) was a real Huzzah moment for administrators: they realized that by increasing enrolment of international students while hiring instructors on a part-time basis only, and thereby avoiding any obligations to these folks, including the need to provide benefits, they could quadruple their organizations’ profits. It’s a simple business formula. Get as much as you can from the sale of your product, while reducing the costs of creating and maintaining it.

The thing is, colleges aren’t private businesses. They’re still subsidized by our governments, and instructors are, in effect, public employees. Part-time and sessional college instructors just happen to be the most exploited ones at the moment. Those inflated administrative salaries mentioned above are achieved by means of the colleges’ bottom-line strategy of employing a large and precarious workforce of teachers. They get away with it because our governments have enabled them to do so for decades.

This is how I too came to be offered a galling contract by Suzanne Suarez, at the time an Interim Associate Dean in Sheridan’s Faculty of Humanities & Social Sciences. She offered me a job teaching English and Communications courses. The catch was this: I would have to agree to teach five courses (about 170 students in all). To be clear, this was a sessional offer — i.e., a part-time job without any benefits. When I asked for two courses instead (with a more manageable workload of 70 to 80 students), I was told that I had to take her offer as was; how much work I was to take on was non-negotiable, in other words. Worse yet, she expected me to start at the lowest step and least pay possible, despite the fact that I have a PhD in English, and worked at Seneca College for two years at step 13. In all, I’d been teaching for 13 years while doing my PhD and after. Suarez, if you look at her LinkedIn profile, comes armed only with an ESL certificate (not an MA or PhD!) — great credentials for today’s wild west of college-level credentialing. Still, it amazes that all one needs to get where she got at Sheridan was ESL certification. Heck, if I wanted an ESL diploma, I’d have earned it in three months (unlike the average eight years it takes to complete a PhD program).

This is what it has come to: shameless lowballing — as if instructors are now mere ‘things’ colleges pick up at bazaars at bargain-basement prices. It’s full-blown commodification of instructors and education. I turned down the Sheridan offer, and two months later, Centennial College asked me to teach starting at step 17, taking all my career and educational credentials into account. Sadly, many instructors, especially those new to Canada, can’t afford to turn down their first opportunity to teach here, even if they end up working at McDonald’s-level wages. When I worked at Seneca College, I encountered many female instructors whose accent was so heavy, I worried their students would have difficulty understanding them.      Seneca College hires these women precisely because they can get them at the lowest possible pay step. They are vulnerable and exploitable. Suzanne Suarez’s mistake was to assume I was one of them.

Simon Lewsen’s recent article for the the Walrus, “Are Universities Failing the Accommodations Test” (August 13, 2024), isn’t inaccurate. It’s good as far it gets. The problem is that it doesn’t get very far. It fails to fully lift the curtain on what’s happening in our universities and colleges: the institutionalization of accommodation. To be clear, I’m not arguing against accommodating students with special needs, or those who’ve had a loss in the family and need time to grieve. Of course all rules need exceptions. But exceptions can’t become the rule. Yet in today’s environment of taking students’ money first, and coping with their lack of preparedness later, the notion that university and college instructors are the ones who should donate their time to making learning possible for ALL has become entirely normalized. We no longer even pretend that education is a privilege, and its credentialing not a right, but something students have to work hard, and excel at, to earn. This was understood by all when I was a student at the University of Toronto in the ’80s and ’90s. High grades were rare in the humanities and social sciences. Now they’re commonplace. I happen to credit the really high expectations I had to contend with and the very demanding professors I had as a student at U of T for just about everything I’m able to do today. I wonder whether current U of T students will be able to say the same thing two decades from now. I recommend Jascha Mounk’s “Abolish Grades: A Modest Proposal” (August 29, 2024) for its superb overview of the ubiquitous crisis of grade inflation in the US. Much of the same is going on here, especially because colleges and universities require their international students to pass (whether they can speak and write in English or not). They need to give students their diplomas, so that the next cohort can deliver the profits to which these institutions have become addicted.

A number of years ago, I sat through an online presentation on instructors’ ‘positionality,’ offered by the Teaching Commons at York University. I had expected to pick up tips on how to address students’ flagging attention when teaching my courses online. Instead, I was given a ridiculously basic lecture on our obligations as instructors to keep students’ ‘situatedness’ in mind. We were reminded that our own privileged positions could make us less attentive to students’ needs than we needed to be. Pardon me, but what privileged position  is that? Does a course offered me now and then give me actual privilege? And how accommodating is education supposed to be? Should students be allowed to hand in essays any time they’re ‘able’ to? Should exams be endlessly postponed until every student feels ready to take them? And how do we grade students’ work without making distinctions between those who are smart and capable, and those who are neither? The Teaching Commons’ presentation, I grasped quickly, was an all-too-transparent effort to normalize accommodational teaching. We had to care for our students’ mental health, after all. Our own mental health? We don’t count. We aren’t paying customers.

In October of 2022, The Fifth Estate aired a documentary, “How recruiters in India use false promises to lure students to Canada” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNrXA5m7ROM). Coincidentally, just before the documentary was released to the public, I had spoken up at a Seneca College staff meeting, stating a bit too frankly that international students were being exploited and so were we, the instructors, because we were forced, without being consulted, to teach students who were largely unprepared in terms of their language and writing skills.

Seneca College doesn’t operate on the basis of prerequisite courses. This means any student can sign up for any course that fulfils a program’s required range of study. In the courses I had created for Seneca’s interdisciplinary BA with largely Canadian students in mind, I was inundated with people who couldn’t write even a few literate sentences. The situation was intolerable. These students, Seneca’s very policies, were eating up my time and mental health while students were losing their money and the opportunity to learn in a more productive setting. And to what end? There was no way I could pass them in good conscience.

For speaking up, the then-head of Seneca’s English Department promptly demoted me from partial-load to part-time instructor status. That’s one way of dealing with an inconvenient truth, isn’t it? I could say more about the vindictive, unethical practices of this particular individual, but it’s probably best to spare readers the unpleasant details here. Meanwhile, Seneca’s president, David Agnew, continues boasting about the ever-rising number of Seneca’s graduating students, strangely forgetting that prestige is a matter of quality not quantity, not to mention exclusivity (something U of T once prided itself on).

Our colleges and universities, rapacious and unsympathetic to the suffering of academics who, despite their many publications and years in the teaching trenches, can never hope to get job security and equitable remuneration relative to their tenured colleagues, have forgotten a simple truth. People who are abused can be pushed only so far. At a certain point, they begin speaking up, spilling the beans, airing the dirty laundry, so to speak. There is so darn much of it in our universities and colleges that it would take at least a decade to clean it. As for endlessly accommodating students who shouldn’t be in university or in certain college programs in the first place, that sort of policy is sure to do one thing: make university and college diplomas meaningless.

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Olga Stein holds a PhD in English, and is a university and college instructor. She has taught writing, communications, modern and contemporary Canadian and American literature. Her research focuses on the sociology of literary prizes. A manuscript of her book, The Scotiabank Giller Prize: How Canadian is now with Wilfrid Laurier University Press. Stein is working on her next book, tentatively titled, Wordly Fiction: Literary Transnationalism in Canada. Before embarking on a PhD, Stein served as the chief editor of the literary review magazine, Books in Canada, and from 2001 to 2008 managed the amazon.com-Books in Canada First Novel Award (now administered by Walrus magazine). Stein herself contributed some 150 reviews, 60 editorials, and numerous author interviews to Books in Canada (the online version is available at http://www.booksincanada.com). A literary editor and academic, Stein has relationships with writers and scholars from diverse communities across Canada, as well as in the US. Stein is interested in World Literature, and authors who address the concerns that are now central to this literary category: the plight of migrants, exiles, and the displaced, and the ‘unbelonging’ of Indigenous peoples and immigrants. More specifically, Stein is interested in literary dissidents, and the voices of dissent, those who challenge the current political, social, and economic status quo. Stein is the editor of the memoir, Playing Under The Gun: An Athlete’s Tale of Survival in 1970s Chile by Hernán E. Humaña.

A Murder of Crows: Co-Mingling Complex Mental Health Patients with Veterans and Seniors in Continuing Care Homes. By Anne Sorbie

Annie Sorbie

A Murder of Crows: Co-Mingling Complex Mental Health Patients with Veterans and Seniors in Continuing Care Homes

On my way home from a meeting with a member of the Calgary Police Service recently, I saw two magpies and three crows, all dead in a long stretch of the same grassy median. That made me think about whether the five represented a group, but the crows form a “murder” and the magpies a “tiding” or a “gulp.”

Gulp. My meeting with CPS was in fact about criminal activities occurring in a Continuing Care setting among people with complex mental health (CMH) needs who are housed with Veterans and seniors. Together, the Veterans/seniors and the CMH patients constitute a co-mingled, Continuing Care group.

I have no idea of course why the magpies and crows lay dead in the grass a short distance from each other. I might assume they were hit by passing vehicles, but then again, all of them? Did they all fall from the sky at the same time? Or did something else entirely, something unwitnessed, happen to them?

Something else entirely — something that was never announced — has been happening in Continuing Care over the last few years in Alberta. As a result, folks over the age of 18 with complex mental health conditions are being housed together with seniors, including those with dementia, in what were historically known as long-term care nursing homes. These, and in fact all such facilities in this province, are now known simply as Continuing Care facilities.

One such facility is Carewest Colonel Belcher (CCB) in Calgary, which began housing CMH patients in 2021 to take the strain off our hospitals during the pandemic. The stipulation at the time, according to former Health Minister, Jason Copping, was that the CMH patients were to be housed there temporarily and separately from the seniors —that is, on different floors, or in unconnected units. At Carewest Colonel Belcher, this policy has never been adhered to. Instead, unsecured CMH patients have been admitted to units on the second floor where physically frail Veterans and seniors reside.

CMH patients who need to be secured, presumably for their own safety or for the safety of those around them, have been admitted to a code-accessible unit inside the already secured, memory care area on the first floor. The memory care area houses about 87 people. Today, 29 of those people are CMH patients over the age of 18. The rest are Veterans and seniors with various levels of dementia (early to late stage).

Have CMH admissions increased levels of risk at Carewest Colonel Belcher? Sadly they have. According to the Calgary Police Service, a staggering 240 calls for service were received from Carewest Colonel Belcher between January 2021 and July 2024. On August 6, 2024, there were at least two more calls for service to CPS. Two first-floor CMH patients exhibited behaviours that staff couldn’t manage. Code whites were called. Eight officers attended the site that day.

The Director of Operations, Yaro Kiselev, who oversees a number of Carewest continuing care facilities, has said that the housing of complex mental health patients in seniors’ homes absolutely introduces a higher risk of harm. He has also made clear, however, that this is a risk he/Carewest are willing to take.

Incidents do occur between residents in nursing homes, no question. My own father was assaulted twice by another dementia patient. What kind of incidents have occurred at Carewest Colonel Belcher since the introduction of younger folks with complex and high-risk behaviours? A 100-year-old Veteran was put in a choke hold. CPS have also attended an incident involving knives. A secured patient broke out of their first-floor room by smashing a window and escaping into the community. This has happened a number of times. Fire alarms have often been pulled because first-floor CMH patients know it’s a trick that unlocks all the secured doors. Seniors have been pushed, have fallen to the ground and sustained injuries. Staff have been assaulted. Additionally, verbal abuse directed at Veterans, staff and visitors are a daily occurrence. One secured, high-risk patient caused an all-day incident attended by CPS, Calgary Fire Department, and EMS.

Some long-term Veterans and aged residents are now spending most of their time in their rooms, because that’s where they feel safe. Sadly, this is all happening in a facility which was previously one of the most highly regarded Veterans’ long-term care home in the country.

Volunteers, families, advocates like me, and military stakeholders like Colonel Charles Hamel (Canadian Armed Forces, Retired), have been working tirelessly for three years in an effort to hold Carewest accountable and support the safety, security, and well-being of all the residents. That has been a difficult process.

There is no single Alberta Health department with the authority to act on behalf of communities like the one at Carewest Colonel Belcher. The Alberta Office for the Protection of Persons in Care handles individual cases of abuse.  AHS Patient Relations refers complaints back to the facility in which they originate, as does the Minister of Health. The Alberta Continuing Care Licensing Office inspects facilities after folks go through a formal complaint process, but often their reviews look at on-site documentation, which says the facility follows a strict protocol. Unfortunately, what happens in practise does not follow that protocol.

Advocacy efforts have gone to the ministerial level without success. Last year we began corresponding with the NDP, Official Opposition Critics for Seniors and Mental Health.

As a result, on May 27, ,2024, with the help of the NDP, a press conference was held by two of the health critics, MLA Lori Sigurdson (Seniors Issues Continuing Care and Homecare), and MLA Janet Eremenko (Addictions and Mental Health). They, along with family members, military stakeholders, and advocates spoke for all who live at Carewest Colonel Belcher. A Google search will result in the relevant media coverage.

NDP Health Critics, Sigurdson and Aremenko, asked for a Ministerial Order to immediately stop the further admission of CMH patients to seniors’ homes in the Province of Alberta.  Minister LaGrange didn’t put that order in place. She did, however, direct Alberta Health to undertake a full investigation of Caewest Colonel Belcher. The results of that investigative audit are forthcoming in the next few weeks.

Unfortunately, neither the Veterans/seniors nor the younger folks with complex mental health diagnoses living at Carewest Colonel Belcher are receiving the level of care and support they require in their daily lives. Staffing, appropriate staff training, appropriate onsite programs, safety, and security remain daily issues. Other areas include the management of personal care plans, and palliative care.

Why, you might ask, are these groups being housed together? The answer is at the least two-fold: first, there was the pandemic; and second, there’s the ongoing critical need to house folks with complex mental health diagnoses.

Housing the 29 folks with complex mental health diagnoses was to be a temporary situation that began in January of 2021. However, in November of 2022, an additional 29 folks with complex mental health diagnoses were admitted, again to both the first and second floors of the facility. Today, there are officially 58 CMH patients living at Carewest Colonel Belcher. Half of them are unsecured. Half are ‘secured’ on units inside the first-floor dementia area.

The original admissions were made before Alberta Health had any documented guidelines for what was called the “CMH Expansion Program.” Furthermore, despite numerous asks, Carwest has not provided a risk assessment. In fact, no risk assessment has been undertaken, either before or since the ‘expansion program’ was initiated. There was no community consultation with the likes of Foothills Academy, a school situated a very short distance from Carewest Colonel Belcher, or with the Parkdale community, into which secured CMH patients have escaped. In addition, at the outset of what was surely a well-intentioned plan, family members of residents living there were not made aware of the introduction of the CMH patients into the facility. Carewest claims families were advised of the CMH admissions, and that they were invited to move their loved ones elsewhere if they were concerned.

As someone who has gone through the process of finding long-term care placement for her parents, I can tell you that it’s an arduous journey. Unless one can pay for private care, the wait for a continuing care “bed” in Alberta is months long, and longer than a year if a loved one is already in care and would like to transfer to a different facility.

As a member of the Resident and Family Council at Carewest Colonel Belcher, as Co-Chair of the CMH Expansion Committee, and as an advocate for those who live there, I wrote to Carewest and asked for the admissions guidelines for the program in 2023. In response, I was sent a two-page document, which was not on Carewest letterhead or signed by anyone from Carewest. The document outlines a number of guidelines and conditions to be applied to the vetting of individuals being considered for the program. The accompanying email declared the information private and confidential, and advised me that as such, I could not share the contents with anyone. Since then, other advocates and members of the Resident and Family Council have requested the same document. Their requests have gone unanswered.

Between January 2021 and July 2024, Calgary Police Services have attended Carewest Colonel Belcher 240 times. While this is a high number of visits, they do not all relate to incidents involving the CMH population. Along with other advocates and Council members, I have been assured by Carewest that the number of visits CPS makes to Carewest Colonel Belcher is the norm for a long-term care/continuing care facility. I have not been able to substantiate this claim with another request for access to information. However, I can speak to the fact that in the years prior to the pandemic, while my Veteran father-in-law lived at Carewest Colonel Belcher (until just shy of his 103rd birthday in 2016), my family was not aware of a high number of CPS visits, or indeed of any visits by CPS to the facility.

Carewest is bound by provincial law, historically governed by various acts and currently governed by the new Continuing Care Act (April 1, 2024), to report publicly the number of incidents which occur at their facilities, including Carewest Colonel Belcher. However, until they were found non-compliant by Alberta Licensing and Compliance for not meeting that standard in 2023, they did not publicly report incidents involving their residents. Nor did they report those incidents or the calls for service made to CPS to Alberta Health.

In October 2023, along with the Chair of the Resident and Family Council, I met again with the Carewest Director of Operations, Yaro Kiselev. He told us that “reporting up to Alberta Health Services and Alberta Health is a grey area.” He added that “only incidents causing serious harm or death must be reported.”

Withholding data when a new program like the CMH Program is being trialed is surely poor practice, particularly when provincial policy and decision-makers require all relevant data to make informed decisions about the program, its longevity, and its inclusion in other Alberta Continuing Care facilities.

Sadly, some folks with a primary or secondary diagnoses of mental health conditions living at Carewest Colonel Belcher have been involved in reportable incidents. Those same incidents may not be documented by Carewest, never mind reported to AHS or Alberta Health. In a meeting with former Health Minister Jason Copping in February of 2023, Copping said he was aware of just one incident being reported to Alberta Health by Carewest since the inception of the CMH Program. One incident.

My first request for access to information from CPS following that meeting showed 56 visits by CPS to Carewest Colonel Belcher in a one-year period. I won’t mention any other annual numbers here because I simply do not have them.

Carewest refused to share any incident statistics until ordered by Alberta Health to do so. And, because of FOIP, I cannot compare what Carewest began posting publicly in the building with CPS stats showing the number of calls for service. The Carewest stats do not provide details or dates. The CPS stats do, but they do not indicate in detail what those visits involved except in the most general of terms.

Resident and visitor safety, and building security remain an issue at Carewest Colonel Belcher. Initially, Carewest employed one security guard, posted in memory care, to cover the secured CMH Unit. The first-floor common areas and the second floor were not manned by any dedicated security personnel.

There are currently two secured CMH Units housing 29 patients inside the memory care area on the first floor. A single security guard is often posted there. Until June 2024, a single security guard ‘covered’ the whole building. Two shifts, two different guards, were the standard during the day. No security guard was assigned to the second floor, where an additional 29 unsecured CMH patients are housed. Nor were there any security personnel on site overnight.

In May 2024, at a Resident and Family Council meeting, a family member recounted being on the second floor during an incident involving the escalated behaviours of an unsecured CMH patient. Staff had barricaded themselves in a kitchen area and called for the security guard. The guard took 20 minutes to arrive.

That was a non-violent incident. There are security company reports documenting accounts of other incidents, which involve physical and verbal harm, violence, and drug transactions.

Last May, I wrote a letter on behalf of the Resident and Family Council and its associated Safety Working Group to the same Carewest Director of Operations, to the Carewest Chief Operating Officer (COO) Barb Kathol, and to the current Health Minister Adriana LaGrange beseeching them to install additional security personnel. Multiple such requests had been made to the same individuals in conjunction with formal complaints to AHS Patient Relations and Alberta Licensing and Compliance to no avail over the course of the last two years. None of the requests resulted in the addition of any security personnel.

Following the May 27 press conference involving the Official Opposition Health Critics, Carewest responded to advocates’ concerns by issuing a letter saying that they have, as they always do, listened and responded to Council and families, and that temporarily (for a period of three months), they would be employing one additional security guard. That period was over at the end of August.

When asked what the go forward plan is to manage security following that, and how the patients involved in the August 6 incidents would be managed, Carewest Director of Operations cited FOIP and redirected my / Family Council’s questions to AHS Patient Relations. However, at the time of writing, another guard was engaged to work one-on-one with a patient for an undisclosed period of time. The patient was one of those involved in an August 6 incident.

On May 27, Health Minister, Adriana LaGrange, denied knowing anything about the safety issues caused by the CMH Program at Carewest Colonel Belcher. The next day, after being asked directly during question period in the final session of the legislature why she had given that response when her department had responded directly to both myself and to a member of the Canadian Air Force, LaGrange admitted that she had been aware of the situation at Carewest Colonel Belcher, but only since September 2023.

In the days following that, the Health Minister said that she would order an investigation of Carewest Colonel Belcher. I can only hope and pray that those compiling the findings will take all the information made available by staff, families, residents, and advocates in interviews with Alberta Health and Alberta Licensing and Compliance into consideration when they write their final report. Policy and decision-makers working under the auspices of the new Continuing Care Act need all the relevant data.

While the new Act proposes to streamline continuing care by being “inclusive,” those who are compelled by oath and by law to uphold its directives clearly need to reconsider what its tennents allow operators to do, especially when it comes to housing and support programs – for magpies and crows.

The worst-case scenario is that a lid is put on the findings of this investigation because any precedents set using them could have far-reaching implications for the Government of Alberta. These could be very costly indeed.

Simply providing housing is not in and of itself the solution to helping those with mental health diagnoses. We only need to look at what happened in Ottawa’s CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) Housing First initiative for evidence of that (see CBC Ottawa News, Robyn Miller’s report, published on May 2024). In that case, as with the CMH program at Carewest Colonel Belcher, those initiating it did not fully understand the degree or depth of obligation required to make it successful.

Investigating the situation at Carewest Colonel Belcher can present the Alberta Government and Alberta Health with the opportunity to create better care scenarios for everyone, and, more importantly, to pave the way for the right care to be offered in the right place, at the right time, for people with complex mental health care needs.

We know that no single initiative will completely prevent harm in continuing care facilities. Some folks living in them will have unpredictable behaviour. However, knowingly increasing the risks so as to ‘streamline’ care under the auspices of making it accessible and inclusive for all is at best irresponsible, and at worst dangerous enough to cause serious harm or death.

Recently I observed two magpies and three crows, all dead, lying in a long stretch of a grassy median.

I have no idea of course why the magpies and crows lay dead a short distance from each other.  I could only imagine that they all met their end in some unwitnessed way. But then again, something else entirely may have happened.

Something else entirely is happening today in Alberta in continuing care and our Provincial government is bound by its own tennents to make it stop.

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Anne Sorbie is a writer and an advocate. She has published four books, the latest of which is the (M)othering Anthology (Inanna 2022), which she co-edited with Heidi Grogan). Her work has appeared online at CBC Books, and in a range of Canadian magazines and journals. One of her latest and deepest commitments is volunteering as an advocate for folks in continuing care. As an act of social protest, she is currently at work writing about love and hope .

Photo Credit: Monique de St. Croix

In Memoriam: Sarah Hannah. Non-fiction by Eva Salzman

IN MEMORIAM: SARAH HANNAH

 

Longing Distance by Sarah Hannah. Tupelo Press, 2004. 

Inflorescence by Sarah Hannah. Tupelo Press, 2007.

            In May 2007, the talented and vibrant poet Sarah Hannah died tragically young, leaving behind a small but impressive oeuvre, her bereft family and friends (including this author), and many devoted students. As a person and a writer, Sarah was complex and exceptional: erudite and down-to-earth, strong and fragile, scathing and compassionate, her profound humanity undiminished by a caustic brilliance. To understand her personality’s exhilarating — and difficult— marriage of contradictions is to begin to understand her writing too.

Having received her B.A. from Wesleyan University, and a Ph.D. from Columbia University, Sarah taught at Emerson College in Boston. Her first book, Longing Distance (Tupelo Press, 2003), a semi-finalist for the Yale Younger Poets Prize, received widespread acclaim from leading poets for its formal dexterity, its verbal play and emotional potency. Her second volume, Inflorescence (Tupelo Press, 2007), published posthumously, confirmed the promise of the first. Longing Distance established her formalist credentials, although I suspect Sarah herself would have squirmed uncomfortably at a categorization implying some dry, toilsome, Casaubon-like endeavor, or a practice borne solely of ideology, and therefore at odds with her sensuous love of language and what she would have seen as the writer’s instinctive urge to understand how sound, rhythm, music, and a “precise manipulation of syntax, rhyme and structure” (to borrow her own phrase) distil meaning in poetry. Adherence to tradition can arise out of a sense of obligation, a fondness for linguistic exercises, or as a reactionary gesture. Alternatively, form can be understood not merely as an intellectual construct, but as the inevitable outcome of an organic process, starting with the basic components of rhythms and sounds, which ultimately progress to those forms because they most profoundly express otherwise inexpressible depths. Sarah’s engagement with literature was as much visceral as intellectual.

These matters were often the subject of our conversations, right from our first meeting, when she was my student at Wesleyan Writers’ Conference. She brought me a sonnet, knowing I share her love of the form. We laughingly referred to ourselves as ‘sonnet junkies’; we laughed a lot, and we both often laughed with bite. She was the kind of student who makes you forget your next appointment, although that teacher-student relationship was almost instantly supplanted by a deep kinship on many levels, and an enduring friendship.

“You Furze, Me Gorse” impressed me with its deft technique, its use of figurative language, its sly asides and the way she incorporated into her writing a certain self-conscious reflection on language itself, which was not at odds with the poem but instead contributed to its tenor: “Furze, Gorse, of equal and abiding value / But for the speed of each word off the lips: / The warm and cornucopic cup of U / Hanging on by the very fingertips / Of the lazy Z . . . .” The poem bears her distinctive hallmark of a lyricism with a sharp edge. A slangy title is set against the sonnet form’s measured tone, almost doubling as a line itself and so adding its extra dimension to the poem, as perhaps any good title should. The witty take on “You Tarzan, me Jane” swiftly disposes of an entire misguided view on gender relations and announces the central theme, timed nicely to emerge at the turn into the sestet: “Raise the lamps high, let us look at ourselves; / Once a tender union, now turned fierce.” Sarah often multilayered her references with a finely tuned self-awareness, as with this title, which allowed her comment on the very process in which she was engaged and to offer a kaleidoscopic view of any one image or idea. (I often think that process is discernable, even transparent, in the best poetry, clarified and not usurped by product.)

“The Linen Closet,” also from Longing Distance, serves as a signatory poem in several ways — “Oh, the linen closet, imperial / Ladder of shelves” — is imperial in its demeanor, its stock-taking: “gold towels glowing / With repose, night creams pearled, in pots / Their risen oils yellowed at the rims, / Tubed salves, perfumed proteins. // Tall and narrow, narrow and deep, / The linen closet of worry and care!” The closet houses a museum of bottles and jars jumbled together, the significance of their contents similarly confused: the cures and even the items of comfort implying the pain they’re mean to alleviate. The ladder of shelves stretches upwards, a majestic structure housing an apothecary of life and death, the poet’s inner fears distilled into “tinctures”: “. . . But no matter the potion // You could not ignore the space / At the back, the absolute black / In the bowels of the shelves, beyond the patch / And blanch of gauze, the catch of clots — / That unflagging question (past cure) // No tonic or robe could appease, / No meter or prodding inspection / Could probe . . . .”

A sort of archetype for her unconscious, this linen closet is drawn from a child’s skewed sense of perspective; as with a Christmas tree from the past, it is recalled as being infinitely taller than in reality. The merged child and adult views move inexorably towards the finality of that terrible darkness at the back: “. . . you could not quite make it out, / And you would not forget it.” Drawn in by a language rich in assonance and alliteration, the reader sees through the writer’s eyes — and feels too — the fascinating grandeur of her own fear.

In “Anaesthesia Green,” which begins: “At the forked vein’s crux, / The largest on the back of your hand, / The doctor points his needle,” we accompany the poet on a journey into unconsciousness: “Count backwards from a hundred. / You’re going in. // To the sleep bath, the sulfur pail.” In this poem too her language is at its most terrifyingly seductive:

By ninety-three
You are peeling back leaves
In the darkened forest.
You have cooled to lichen, almost
Silver, outspread in the eaves of the bark
Like small arthritic hands.
You comb through the ionic ferns,
The mosses lying like animals.
You drift, cooler still—
The succulents:
Crassula, sedum, sempervivum,
Thick as limbs.

In her second book Inflorescence — with its cover featuring a painting by her mother, Renee Rothbein — Sarah’s most urgent and deepest preoccupations become starker, shedding light on many poems in the first. Architectural tropes, such as the one in “The Linen Closet,” recur regularly throughout this book in poems like “The Hutch,” “The Safe House,” “Read the House,” and, one of my favorites, “Eternity, That Dumbwaiter,” which ends with:

Age of sickness, age of pause.
And so it waits at ground
as dour burly men
Heave in the load. It buckles
With the box; it stalls; it will not go,
and then it rallies, then it’s off—
Resumes its loop and chore,
Determined servant through the stories.
Someone’s calling from another floor.

               Many poems loop back to a re-imagined childhood idyll, evoked by place or, as in the poem, “At Last, Fire Seen as a Psychotic Break,” a home which has long since burned down. This event was itself irresistibly symbolic of a state of mind with which she was all too familiar: “You have to evacuate the family, but no one / Wants to go. And when they are dead, / And you are contemplating / The sticks, the wheezing ashes, / The iron pots melted to pools on the lawn, // The authorities will say it was structural.” The startlingly bleak imagery — “iron pots melted to pools” — is characteristic in its inventiveness, its merciless rendering of a scene of imagined destruction, its revelations about the inner self, and its homage to Sylvia Plath.

Sarah’s deeply rooted artistic and intellectual affinity with Sylvia Plath can’t be reduced to biographical terms only, however congruent their emotional landscapes and use of figurative language. She wrote on Plath, and, given more time, she might have gone on to write, for example, about W.B. Yeats, T.S. Eliot, or Homer as well, all poets in her personal pantheon. The monograph, “‘Something Else Hauls Me Through Air’: Sound and Structure in Four Late Poems by Sylvia Plath,” is a scholarly analysis of that poet’s formal development. She writes of “Fever 103”: “Tone is central to the poem’s effectiveness both on the page and in the ear . . . One of the poem’s great successes lies in the voice of its speaker, who mercilessly combines . . . high and colloquial language, and serious and mocking tones . . . In the second line, the terror of hell is instantly deflated and lampooned in the image of Cerberus.” This commentary is an apt description of her own handling of common vernacular set against an elevated tone: her use of form is perhaps a riskier usage than the confessional these days, since in some American circles a whiff of traditionalism is practically a hanging offence.

Even the simple sentence can serve as “a hypnotic and expressive device in a poem,” she remarks of the poem “Little Fugue,” describing how embedded even in Plath’s free verse are the formal precepts of poetry. With her range and fluency, Sarah was equally at ease writing free verse:

  1. Get rid of the wicker furniture. It was uncomfortable anyway.
  2. Bend at the knees again, raise your hands slowly from your
    sides wide – wider, up above your head, and repeat in a tone
    that steadily ascends:
    I am not a dark lord, I am a Queeen
                              (“First Singing Lesson at Forty,” Inflorescence)

Despite her erudition — or, rather, because of it — her approach to literature and culture more generally wasn’t precious, elitist or hierarchical — neither in her life nor her writing, which were for her inextricable.

Throughout Inflorescence the security of place and home is inextricably tied to her love-hate relationship with her mother, her sole career for years (if this is the right term to describe a mother who was in and out of mental institutions). So it wasn’t quite a reversal of roles when finally Sarah cared for her mother during her final illness, the period that provides the backdrop for her second book, described as a “memoir in verse” (a description A. E. Stallings rightly objects to because it diminishes Hannah’s stylistic accomplishments).

Although the book’s ostensible unifying device is a taxonomy of flora, its real theme is her mother’s mental illness, an illness that formed the narrative of Sarah’s childhood. The tone throughout, informed by the confessional mode, remains that of a poet who, while passionate about a natural world especially connected with her mother, is also indebted to her father, Nathan Goldstein, a painter whose oeuvre, unlike her mother’s, is in the classicist mould. Sarah poignantly and wittily explores this rich inheritance of opposites in the poem “Sky Pencil,” in Inflorescence: “So we’re of one mind that there are two names for / Every real thing—in Latin, Genus, species— / More, if we can count the common ones from lore / Many impartial // Parties call this poem’s title tree ‘Japanese / Holly’ but you should know right now: we aren’t here / At all concerned with neutrality.”                    

Her trip to London, the city of her mother’s birth — “Oh my Greenwich Mean. Zero Longitude!” — was one chapter in a lifelong quest to understand a mother who was both nemesis and inspiration, and to reconcile the ensuing opposing forces within her. She understood these experiences influenced her as a writer, as in “Sky Pencil”: “. . .which // Brings me to the flip side of that coin of my / Begetting, the woman who’d have loved that name, / Who painted, let’s say, quite a bit differently, / Colors off spectrum, // Flowers, heads, eye sockets, and skulls, floating.” From this mother, the inquiring, intelligent, and creative child would deduce that creativity must sometimes come with a terrible price.

Although she was absorbed by a maternal legacy increasingly equated with the creative drive, her technical finesse in this poem particularly, written in Sapphics, illustrates how Sarah’s paternal legacy was of equal importance to her development: “‘That’s not the real / Name,’ he says. ‘Aphids’ // I reply ‘It has aphids. They’re killing it.’ / ‘How will you find a cure,’ he says, ‘when you don’t / Know the real name?’” By targeting the limitations of this language used to define and codify the natural world, Sarah takes aim at herself too, since her fascination with the terms she scorns has her putting them in the poem. This inclusion ultimately validates and exonerates her own ambivalence, and forms a kind of acknowledgement of and tribute to a dual inheritance. Her legacy lies in such contrasts, although she struggled to come to terms with her creativity being traceable to the drives inherited from a literal marriage of polar opposites, analogous with the bi-polar disorder from which her mother suffered.

One of Sarah’s most powerful poems, “Azarel (Angel of Death),” strides forward with savage exuberance and an inventiveness which packs a devastating punch, right from the opening line, “Death the lawyer adjudicates between us.” Ostensibly about her mother, the poem’s last stanza begins with “Death the lover. / You loved him many years,” and concludes:

Whored him, married and divorced him;
Coaxed, cuckolded, and cozened him;
You high-stakes rolled, you bet the house
And won, but now, my dear,
He’s really come.

Linguistically and tonally, all her poetry has an extraordinary richness. Both her volumes (not enough, alas!) are certainly of “equal and abiding value”; one hears in the first the echoes preceding the sounds themselves in the second, with the latter book’s perhaps more sensational provenance (it was published posthumously). Tragically, Sarah departed just as she neared the peak of her powers. Read, admired, and loved in her lifetime, she should have been read more while she lived.

Shortly before she died, and referring to her step-mother, she applied her analytical mind to her personal situation, asking: “So, do I go with Harriet and life, or my mother and death?” She couldn’t always shine that compassion she displayed to others on herself, but a poem like “For the Fog Horn When There is No Fog,” from Longing Distance shows such moving wisdom about pain and humanity:

For everything that tries to counsel vigilance—
The surly sullen bell, before the going,

The warning that reiterates across
The water: there might be fog someday

(They will be lost), there might be fog
And even squall, and you’ll have nothing

But remembrance, and you will have to learn
To be grateful.

The following poem’s eloquence and elegance further attests to both her promise and her achievement, and to our great loss:

                             Cassetta Frame (Italy, circa 1600)
                             Robert Lehmann Collection, Metropolitan Museum of Art

                             I wonder what his hands were like—skin,
                             Thumbprint’s orbits, half moon of the nail—
                             The artisan who plied bough and alloy, chisel,
                             Stone, for the sake of circumscription:
                             Poplar, walnut, ebony, pear, niello,
                             Crystal, lapis. The words abscond from wood
                             And bloom in trees: Pioppo tremulo;
                             Forma di pera. I confess to find
                             Myself astonished by outskirts of things:
                             Hem and shirr, ice storm, sea coast, shadow, fringe,
                             To find myself forsworn to the mixture,
                             Poplar, walnut, ebony, pear,
                             Niello, crystal, lapis. Lapse! No life
                             But in the rim; no word but on the lips.

                             (The materials used were typed out on a small card beneath the          frame on display and are considered by this author to be a found poem.)

Legacies of Damaged Women Artists

The introductory essay to my anthology Women’s Work: Modern Women Poets Writing in English (Seren) — dedicated to Sarah — presents Sylvia Plath as an exemplar for arguments about how women poets are too frequently regarded and assessed, by critics and society generally, a topic Sarah and I often discused, and which would be relevant to Sarah’s life and writing in due course, considering Plath’s literary influence on Sarah and the parallel trajectory of their deaths. More than happens with male poets, the life is allowed to overtake the value of the writing itself. Consider how Plath’s formal dexterity is less the focus then the sensationalism of her life. At the same time, we can’t help being fascinated with this aspects of a life, though, curiously and tellingly, not so with Ted Hughes.

    Plath is Ground Zero for what I call the fetishization of the damaged woman and, especially, the damaged woman artist whose special talent is demeaned as accident, anomaly or a symptom/function of illness. This trope of the woman artist as damaged goods is another branch on the sexist tree. It resembles the woman on a pedestal, flattery employed to disguise invalidation and elevation diminishing the person and her achievement. Vulnerability is usually regarded as a feminine quality and its usage can switch seamlessly from being positive to pejorative. Numerous essays employ the word ‘pathology’ including, in its first sentence, Elizabeth Hardwick’s essay “On Sylvia Plath,” previously cited, which otherwise contains astute observation and praise.   

The woman poet who kills herself is enhanced by virtue of death as the ultimate vulnerability. It renders her mute for all time and the passive object of speculation. It’s the ultimate invalidation if the pedestal remains in place. Plath’s suicide makes it harder to reconcile her role as example or mentor to young aspiring women poets if self-abnegation — a short step from annihilation — remains within the deepest recesses of our psyche a powerful social conditioning.

Many male poets — Keats, Shelley, Robert Lowell, Hart Crane, and for that matter Ted Hughes, to name a few — had lives about which it can be said “The tragedy is part of the narrative,” as the English journalist Danuta Kean puts it. Yet this doesn’t overshadow or detract from an author’s achievement. It doesn’t degrade the life as a whole or the author’s authority as an author. Nor does the biography exert relentless outsize influence on the critics, frequently men.

The damaged woman trope is more likely potent if her legacy is in the hands of a man who may be least qualified to behave responsibly with respect to it. Many men of our current generation remain ignorant — sometimes wilfully — of the routine handicaps under which women artist often labour. It’s still not unusual for a male artist to take for granted the protection and support his art receives, perhaps by another artist, and so remain unaware how the lack of such a system would impinge on his output.

    Apart from any arguable dereliction of duty excused by a wish to protect his children (or himself), by living on, Hughes controlled his own legacy. He then handed it to his sister Olwyn along with Plath’s legacy too, despite her having hated Plath, as Hughes surely knew. We can only imagine, as Woolf does about women writers, what other women’s legacies have been lost or distorted for similar reasons, passing through the wrong hands or overseen by those whose own art and/or grief took precedence. I’ll guess that more women’s legacies are passed onto men than men’s onto women. The outcome is bound to perpetuate both inequality and revisionism, if not outright ignorance. 

    So we bat Plath back and forth — Plath the Poet and Plath the Damaged Artist — creating adversaries of these dual and duelling sides to her nature. We thumb the pages of the potboiler starring a handsome brooding northern Ted Hughes who eventually had the last word over the wife he’d abandoned by way of a patchwork book that earned a prize and much praise despite an appropriation worse than any like accusation levelled at Plath’s poetry.

Goodbye (Only for Now)

I write this on the brink of finishing a long goodbye to the UK: or, rather, listening to its goodbye to me, since it has never made me feel very welcome. A phrase comes to me more frequently these days: In my beginning is my End, and in my end is my beginning. Recently, I listened to Sarah say this in an interview: one of several phrases or ideas I trace back to us both, unsure who said it first or if we both thought these things separately, before we’d even met perhaps.

    I visited her and her ugly beloved pug dog and her lizard in Harlem only once, offering feedback on several new poems, at her request. Since then, more unpublished and uncollected poems have been discovered at her stepmother’s in Portland, Oregon, including some striking poems that seem to suggest the direction she was headed and, as happens with talented authors, surprise is an important element of their currency when it comes to new chapters.

    Before arriving at her new house in Cambridge, Mass, I was struck with a sudden urge to take photos of her and her mother’s paintings. This was very unlike me. I never take photos and am glad, therefore, when others do so, marking memorable occasions in this tangible way. Since I had no camera, before heading to her house, I diverted to find a place that sold cheap cameras. 

In some of the photos I took, Sarah looks gaunt, for example holding up a self-portrait drawing by her mother. In others she is her usual beautiful self, and smiles. In the most striking photo she’s seated in a chair with her pug dog Bridgett in her lap, just underneath another painting by her mother, though when the photo was developed and before I knew it was of Icarus, I was chilled because the figure hovering over her looked like Death himself. I remember almost exclaiming this and then quickly cut myself off.  That stays with me. The visit stays with me due to my uncharacteristic need to take photos alongside the fact that this visit would be the last time I ever saw her.

Other than the poems, Sarah’s final words included remarks which demonstrated a characteristic mix of defiance, strength and humility. She wrote:

 

My husband is a good man. I love my students, family and friends. I can’t go on. Suicide is not an act of cowardice. I’m sorry about writing on your wall.

Before writing out Plath’s poem, “Words,” she wrote out two lines from an early lesser-known Yeat’s poem, “A Dream of Death”: “I dreamed that one had died in a strange place /Near no accustomed hand.”

The poet Wendy Battin — also dead by this time though not by suicide — wrote about an episode from her undergraduate days in the 1970s when Plath was an icon for women poets. The day Anne Sexton killed herself, Battin was at a party when, she relates: 

…. a male professor cornered me to ask, “Why do all you women poets kill yourselves?” I was twenty years old, awed by the real talent and knowledge of my teachers. I didn’t say: “Because of people like you.”

Who are those people? Are they men or is that irrelevant? I feel like I’ve met them. Their power over us depends upon how far off to the side they remain with respect to our trajectory. Did they park themselves right smack in the middle of our paths? Did they take us by the arm? Were we led into or out of the forest? 

Sarah would have appreciated Wendy’s comment, its delicious dark edge and the trick to her wittily disingenuous claim to silence which, in fact, is neatly contradicted by her own announcement of it. I hear Sarah’s ironic yelp of laughter, see her distinctive crooked smile, recalling in all its complexity her irresistible vitality, vulnerability and kindness, all perfectly in tune with her  cutting humour.

I’m glad that voices are no longer lost forever and that faces no longer evaporate as memory fades. We now revisit Plath with fresh eyes and information. Hopefully, the newly discovered words by Sarah will make their way into book form. Perhaps others will come to light, new memories too.

In the meantime, we have two books, recordings and videos. We have ourselves, carrying her and her words around with us for the rest of our days. In time and in turn, I hope too that there will be others wanting to carry her and her words forward: others like you, reader.

(This essay consists of compiled excerpts from “Ars Longa, Vita Brevis: On Sarah Hannah,” published in the journal Dark Horse, Winter 2007/2008, Issue 21, and from the subsequent adapted version which appeared in the online journal Contemporary Poetry Review (https://www.cprw.com/Misc/hannah.htm ), as well as from the essay “I’m Not Sorry About Writing On Your Wall’ which was published in Dark Horse, Summer 2021, Issue 43. Some changes have been made and there have been additions reflecting new information.)

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Eva Salzman’s books include “Double Crossing: New & Selected Poems” (Bloodaxe) and “Bargain with the Watchman” (Oxford).
 
Her libretti and musical collaborations include those with English composer Gary Carpenter, Dublin-born singer Christine Tobin and her father Eric Salzman.
 
Associate Lecturer at Goldsmiths (University of London), Salzman has also taught at Emerson College in Boston. Brooklyn and Long Island raised, she is a dual citizen of the USA and UK, living part of the year in London.