(M)othering on an Empty Stomach. Memoir by Sandy Bezanson

Version 2

(M)othering on an empty stomach

I have recently become a supporter of Fake News.

Fake news, fake facts, fake time, days, seasons—I am now an ardent supporter of all of these and more. As I walk with my dear mother down the final path of her life, I will support anything that makes her travelling lighter and more meaningful.

Certain common realities no longer hold sway. What does it matter that it is “Tuesday” not Sunday; that she ate the last piece of carrot cake not I; or that she talked to Uncle Jack “only yesterday”—which would make him 129 years old? What does matter is that the 96-year-old skeletal frailty who is my mother can be comfortable, nourished, and know that she is well loved.

I pray to deities that I am no longer sure I believe in for patience and humility. And although I could make a great and fine case about what an honour it is to take care of my mother, as both a mother and a daughter, I tell you it is hard, very hard. Bony hands gripping yours as she pants in terror, “I am not going to make it,” and implores you “don’t leave me,” though you have not been out of her sight for 27 consecutive hours. Or to hear her confide after many confused awakenings that she thought she was dead. This tells only part of the story. The pallor, the tottering steps, the sharp hunger assuaged with such little food, and the inability to eat again for prolonged periods, the confusion, and yes, the temper and sharp words—these are now the realities.

The comfort of intermittent laughter is more real, honest, profound and consequential to me now than the entirety of the world’s news, real and fake.

It has come to me that (M)othering is not just about the beginning and middle of life. The ending of life, though we may dread it as a tragedy or welcome it as a mercy, is also an integral part of (M)othering. Indeed, how could it be otherwise? Perhaps more so than tending to a baby or advising a young adult, caring for an ill or aging parent requires tenacity and humour, adaptability and patience, as well as a very great deal of graceful acceptance of the inevitable. Yet the joy of new life and the challenges of young life don’t prepare you for (M)othering your own parent.

I have never really liked sandwiches, and I am now the living embodiment of one, spread very thin between my mother and her concerned grandchildren. Of course family and friends help, but being the point person and always on call is a different thing, though doable. It is the great ephemeral unknowns of existence that patter through my head on sleepless nights, that steal energy, nerve and direction as they leave their footprints and me questioning my own mortality. Caring for your parents puts you next in line to the brink of eternity in a visceral way that cannot be denied. It is too soon for me to don the matriarchal crown I tell myself at 3am, as though the decision was in any way in my hands.

When I think of my mother, I think of her in her youth as a child of the Depression, a vital worker during WWII, and then a young wife and mother in the late 1950s. As soon as awareness came to me, my mum was all, everything—constant, secure, and selfless in her caring for my sisters and me.

My mother, born second last in a brood of nine, was a complete tomboy. Any activity, be it skating, curling, baseball, driving, or shooting, was in her blood from her early days growing up rough and tumble in a small Saskatchewan town. Although we called her Mrs. Clean for her extraordinary housekeeping, I think she was a somewhat reluctant homemaker in the traditional sense. She was not fond of decorating or fancy cooking, though until recently her apple pies would knock your socks off. She planted flowers in any small patch of earth. Mum was naturally musical and could play the mouthorgan, guitar, and organ by ear. She loved a laugh, and wouldn’t suffer fools when playing cards.

She was a devoted grandmother and a rock for us all when we lost my Dad suddenly one night. At 70 years of age she sold the house and moved 2000 miles to be closer to her children, fearlessly setting up a whole new life for herself. With the loss of our wonderful larger than life father (and that is saying a lot as he was six and a half feet tall or two meters in decimal speak), Mum came into her own in ways I had not anticipated. Her (M)othering knowledge and wisdom deepened and poured in and around her children and descendants like golden honey drizzled over freshly baked bread, for the sweet beauty and energy of it—for the very joy of life.

I realize that I have just written the above paragraphs in the past tense. I cannot keep this feeling of ‘passage’ from seeping into everything now.

Someone once said, It is not the darkness I fear, but the dimming of the light. The dimming of everything, the turning of the wheel, the cycle of life, none of those things scare me as they did in my youth. We all must accept death, and after a wonderful life of 96 years there is no cause for complaint. But the diminishing is still difficult to bear witness to.

I have just returned from a hospital visit where I thought my Mum was taking her final tortured breaths. The feel of the rough, bruised skin of her hand is imprinted on mine, and the sounds, looks, smells of the bedside are replaying in my mind. Munch-like in their distressed distortions. And still she survived. Only the touch of family skin to skin, heartbeat to heartbeat linked life to this world. The crest of oblivion winked at us today—not a terrifying spectre, but awesome in its latent profundity.

During all of the frenetic activity going on around us—the giving of blood, adjustment of meds, monitoring of oxygen, taking of blood pressure and counting of pulse—there was only Mum and I holding hands. We were the calm at the center of the hurricane. Through all of the momentum of the building storm, there was the rightness of just Mum and I, holding our hearts together through our hands.

My hand trembles now as I lift her favourite mug to my lips. I blatantly pilfered it for the comfort it affords me. Is it pity I swallow with my tea? Or is it relief, joy, or selfishness that is mixed with the Earl Grey? I cannot tell. Nor does it really matter because many hours after the crisis she was able to mumble my name, and then after a prolonged pause, one other word…love.

Love.

Because love is the essential nature of (M)othering.

In retrospect, my teens seemed to have flown by, and then, and as is the way of all (M)othering, it became time for her to let go of me, as I let go of my child, as it will be time soon again for another type of letting go. I must make the best of my sandwich, though I sometimes have little appetite for it—even when “the final news” comes.

Because that too is the essential nature of (M)othering.

{I have not said a word about Covid yet, which has stolen so much from so many.  I grieve for those families who were not able to comfort their loved ones in person. Thank you to all level of workers who help with the sick and aging; angels all, in a very trying time!}

 

After earning a degree at Queen’s University, Sandy Bezanson lived overseas for a number of years. This allowed her to actively pursue her love of art, history, peoples and places. Living in various locations, sometimes as a visible minority who didn’t speak the language, gave her the opportunity to experience life from a different perspective. She feels this aided her subsequent teaching career, as did being a mother (not to mention being a sister, wife, daughter, friend and occasional wine drinker)!

Sandy returned to North America with a desire to write. She has contributed to Pages of Stories and the forthcoming (M)othering Anthology due to be published in Spring 2022.

You are cordially invited to explore her current project, an historical novel called The Guernsey Diplomat, available later this year.

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A Wedding and a Funeral, Truth for Cam Canada. By Marion Collin and Yvonne Trainer

Marion Collin-1

A WEDDING AND A FUNERAL, TRUTH FOR CAM CANADA 

That day, October 7, 2018, was warm and sunny. It was Thanksgiving: turkey cooked, guests arriving, and we were dining a day early, on Sunday, instead of Monday. This made it easier for travel. Our adult daughter and family called to say they would arrive late. Little did we know that the reason for the delay would change our lives.

We served up the meal, gave thanks, and enjoyed the turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing with our neighbours. Gary, our youngest son, joined us. Our oldest, Cameron, wasn’t at our dinner because he had flown on October 4 to attend the wedding of a friend with whom he had roomed at Montana Tech. We were about to eat the strawberry rhubarb pie with ice cream when daughter Julia arrived with her family.

“Cameron is missing in Montana!”

Julia received the distressing phone call just as she was about to head out. She wanted to tell us in person. Cameron had been missing since October 4.

The nightmare had begun.

Unsure of what to do or say, I launched into phone calls to Billings. The woman who had reported Cameron missing was a sister of the bride. She had searched online and found Julia’s number. Later, I learned from one of Cameron’s messages that he had snuck into our house late on October 3rd to get his dress pants. How I regret not hearing him come in! We texted each other next morning. He wrote, “Save some turkey and cranberries for me.” (Marion)

Later, Marion, Cam’s mother, pieced together Cam’s e-mails and messages to discern his itinerary for October 4, 2018. The taxi arrived to pick up Cam at 4 A.M. and drove him to the Calgary airport. From there he flew to Denver, Colorado. There was a brief stopover. He ate a steak lunch, met some other wedding attendees, and flew from Denver to Billings, Montana. Sometime on the night of October 4, he went missing. The wedding party knew he was missing; nonetheless, they made various excuses as to why they didn’t search for him.

Cameron’s mom explained: “If only the bachelor party and wedding party participants had reported Cameron missing that first day, things might have turned out differently.”

Cameron had been invited by written invitation. He was not a trespasser. He was their responsibility, on their property, in their home. Instead of reporting Cameron missing, they set up the chairs and tables for the wedding banquet, brought in the food, and arranged the chairs for the wedding service. The bride-to-be and her brides’ maids travelled into Billings to have their fingernails painted, pick up flowers, the alcohol, and the other refreshments. (Marion)

What else had they picked up, Marion wondered. There was no call to the sheriff’s office to report Cameron missing, even though he was nowhere on the property. Would Cameron still be alive if the host and property owner had called the sheriff within eight hours of him going missing, as required for an adult by Montana legislation?

Later, thinking back to October 6, 2018, Cameron’s mother recalled the bride’s conversation. Over the phone, the bride claimed she handn’t realized Cameron was missing until she was walking down the aisle and didn’t see him sitting there.

Marion was looking with disdain at a photo of the wedding, one of the few posted on an FB page. She noted how strange it was that the wedding party posted so few public pictures of the wedding, as up until that point a lot of the attendees were exchanging messages and pictures on FB. The father of the groom was leaning forward, elbows on knees, staring at the ground. The guests looked more somber than befits a happy occasion. One of the bridesmaids was looking away from the bride and groom altogether. Maybe she and others already knew the truth about Cameron. Marion’s sense was that Cameron would be alive today if the host had called and the search had commenced earlier.

The wedding took place on Saturday, October 6. Cameron had travelled two days early to attend the groom’s bachelor party on Thursday and a concert on Friday with friends. He went missing Thursday night. No one reported him missing to family or the sheriff’s office until three days later. Again, from phone calls and e-mails from members of the wedding party, Cam’s mother was able to piece together events of October 7. The wedding guests went fishing in the creek, just in case Cameron had ended up in it. Finally, the sister of the bride and her husband called the sheriff to report Cameron missing from the 40-acre property near Billings.

The responses that the bride’s sister gave to my questions were a blur and did not make sense. They thought he had left with other friends, maybe met a girl, was sleeping it off somewhere, and didn’t bother to check with the hotel where he had made a reservation. Three days later… (Marion)

Testimony provided to the sheriff states that Cameron was last seen passed out on the floor beside a lawn chair in the shop where the bachelor party was held. This statement was later changed to say he was in the chair—that maybe he had thrown up. So many questions went unanswered. Was he in medical distress when the bachelor party left to go to a strip club in Billings? If in medical stress, why didn’t they take him to a hospital, or at least to his reserved hotel room in Billings? Why leave him, Marion wondered, and not tell anyone else on the property. Why did the wedding party, who claimed to return an hour later, not check on him? What if it were all an enormous, gigantic lie? What if the last time Cameron was near the shop was 7:45 PM on October 4? What if something strange happened? Did they arrange to have the body moved somewhere, or returned to move it themselves? What if the GPS proves this? What if the three days before reporting Cameron missing were used to hide evidence. There were reports of fighting and hard drugs at the party. It would give them time to clear away all paraphernalia and allow the drugs to leave their systems and his, leaving no evidence of illegal activity. After three days, Meth and heroine would likely not show up on a work-related drug test. It would have given them time to create an alibi. It appeared that not everyone from the wedding party got the story straight. According to one recorded testimony, Cameron was last seen standing outside the shop talking with three men.

Given such distressing circumstances, what does one do?

“We made the decision that Julia and Cameron’s dad, Glen, would head to Montana. Cameron’s brother and I would stay in Canada and work with the police, plus handle communications and travel arrangements. Glen got busy packing. They would stay over at Julia’s, which was en route.” (Marion)

There were many questions: What to take? How long would they be away? Passports, travel insurance, and a US Visa would be required. Where to stay? Whom to tell? Glen decided to take the truck and camper equipped with gear, flashlights, and rubber boots. The Visa was in my name. It was a shared account with Cameron for when he went to college in Butte, Montana (2008-2011). My motto: Keep busy. Things needed to be done: write a letter giving permission for Glen to use my visa in the US. Keep a copy of the visa for myself. As the Chev Silverado drove down the lane and into the distance, Maggie, our border collie, howled in the garage. She never howls.

I cried, “No, Maggie, you are wrong. Stop it, he is okay. Dad will find him. No, No!” Looking back, Maggie knew. She knew something was terribly wrong.

Glen needed travel insurance before he crossed the border. Insurance could not be bought after. It was the long weekend; our insurance agent’s office was closed. I phoned the 800 number and started the process. Glen had to sign. I signed for him and e-mailed the agent.

My eldest brother, my nephew, Glen’s sister, were all deeply concerned. My sister was bewildered and in tears when they heard from me by phone.

On the morning of October 8, after a sleepless night, I was worried and distressed not only about Cameron; I was also anxious about Glen and Julia driving. I felt a bit of relief when the e-mail arrived saying that their insurance was in place ahead of their crossing the border. What reason did they give the border guards for travel: “Searching for their missing son and brother?” Julia took her turn driving the big truck under Dad’s watchful eye. He finally nodded off. They had made the decision to travel as far as they could that day, and find a hotel instead of staying in the camper. They figured they would make it to Great Falls, Montana, the first day, and arrive in Billings early next morning. Which hotel? They decided to find one closest to I15 from Canada, but also close to I90, which headed to Billings. Marion booked Western, and when asked for the reason for travel, she told the truth: they were searching for their son. Western provided a family tragedy discount. All set. She decided to book in Billings too, but where to call, where to book? Shouldn’t it be somewhere close to the main drag that Glen and Julia would be arriving on, and on north side, near the wedding party property.

The Yellowstone County sheriff’s office called. The detective needed Cameron’s cellphone provider account information. Airtime, messages. We have a joint family account. Cameron wasn’t in Canada a lot, so it made sense to have a group account, and share data. There were lots of messages on Cam’s FB and Linked-in sites, many concerned friends in Canada. “Cam, where are you? Your mom is worried.” A detective was asking: Could you print this. Could you find that for us. I gave him the account user ID and password. Later, this proved to have been a mistake.

I contacted Samsung: “Find your phone.” I found the phone, and serial number, but no IP address. I explained situation: my son was missing in Montana. I worked my way over to a technician, who asked if Cameron had used one of our computers in the house. If Cameron had not closed out, the Google data could still be there. I dashed downstairs, checked the top corner, clicked the square box. There it was! Google Account, email, all of it.

I opened the Samsung website, and the technician walked me through changing the Samsung password by emailing a request to Google Gmail, and confirming the personal data. Done! We were in!  Okay, fine, now what? I didn’t know where to look, what to search. Tired. People were phoning, friends texting, e-mails. Heather, Cameron’s veterinary friend, called: “I have a phone technician friend. Would you like her to try to find Cameron’s phone?”

God is good! “Yes, yes!” I gave Megan the user id’s, passwords Samsung Account, Google, everything. Megan knew what she was doing. I didn’t.

On October 9, Glen and Julia decided to bypass the sheriff’s office and go to the property where the party had taken place. They pulled into the yard and stepped out of the truck. Suddenly, several people, pulling on coats, piled out of the ranch house. Everyone talked at once; it was overwhelming. There were conflicting stories: “He was in the shop.” And, “No, he wasn’t.”

Several reporters had been contacted by the family. By October 10, the sheriff’s office also reported to the local papers that search and rescue teams, along with friends and residents in the area, had searched without luck. The sheriff asked residents who live near Pryor Creek to check their property for signs of Cameron. They were going over some ground previously searched.

Two days later, the local papers again reported that “Collin’s father and sister had been leading the search in Montana with many of Cameron’s friends. Cam’s father, in exasperation, exhaustion, and shock, drove to a hardware store in Billings and purchased two poles to fit with hooks to aid in the search. The area had also been swept by helicopter and planes.

On October 13, 2018, Julia explained to a reporter that someone believed they saw Cameron walking toward Billings on the Old Highway 87. The validity of this sighting was increased because his cell phone tracking showed activity in this area. Nonetheless, no further signs emerged. Julia told the reporter this: “We haven’t really gotten a good ping off his phone or anything like that. The phone seems to be dead and there’s been absolutely no activity on his bank card or credit card.”

On October 14, The Star Calgary reported Julia as saying: “On top of what the sheriff is doing, we’ve been doing our own searches.…My dad and I have been going through the ditches and climbing hills.…I’ve been climbing under trees and bush and everything, just calling out his name, hoping we find him.”

Julia spoke to Global News on October 14, 2020: “We’re getting scared now, at this point, and worried. I have a frantic mother at home whom we’re trying to reassure. We’re trying to remain strong and keep looking.”

At various points, friends and acquaintances from Canada arrived to help with the search, looking in or climbing into every culvert in the area. It was an organized but frantic search.

Two days later, Julia again spoke to a reporter at Global News: “There are many theories as to what happened to him that night. Did he start walking to town, get picked up? Did he fall in the creek? We are wanting a confirmed sighting of his whereabouts that night and everyday since.”

By October 23, Julia had returned home to Canada with her dad, and then returned with a friend to Billings. At this point, various professionals entered the search: divers’ search and rescue teams; an all-women man-tracking team from Wyoming brought their knowledge to the search; a K-9 handler from Billings returned to the area for a second time.

Upon return to the Pryor Creek area, Julia spoke to Montana News: “He always said he’d do anything, he’d travel across the world for me. So, I am trying to do the same for him. It has taken over my life. I am overwhelmed.”

Yet, Julia and the family did not lose hope: “I’m confident that he’s out there and that we will find him, and I’m hoping that America will help me do that.”

The family agreed that the tip about a male on the Old Highway offered a bit of hope. The person spotted was “wearing dark clothes. My brother was wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt and jeans and cowboy boots.” Julia said, “He always wears his cowboy boots.” Interestingly, these boots were never returned to the family. Instead, they sent size 11 boots thought to belong to someone who was in jail. DNA evidence, obtained by the family through a professional forensic company in Canada, proved this. How many more mistakes were made by a sheriff’s office that did not even return the correct clothing, the family wondered? Where in Montana are Cam’s size 13 boots?

The Wedding Minus Cameron

Although members of the wedding party knew Cameron was missing, the wedding commenced, and it wasn’t until October 7 that the family was informed by the bride’s sister, also sister to a woman whom Cameron once dated for six months, that he had not shown up for the wedding or at his hotel, and that they had been searching for him.

The sheriff’s office took statements from the sister and bride. The police search began.

On October 22, the sheriff provided an update. The email went to approximately 20 people who came together to search along with a dive rescue team. A K-9 unit in another city arrived and they had gone out to the site on this night. Another member of the K-9 unit was to return at 7:30 A.M. to Pryor Creek where they thought Cameron might be located. Two other searchers would head to the area early in the morning and bring “the Raft.” Two detectives, a search coordinator from the Sheriff’s office, and another person who would assist him were to arrive. Yet another member of the sheriff’s team would do some follow-up and then come to the scene. Another K-9 member was to arrive at 9:00 in the morning. Professional border patrol and trained sign cutters were on hand as well.

On October 27, the sheriff still searching the area, sent an e-mail to approximately thirty people working on the case. The search would continue the next day, Sunday. They were to start at a bridge off Highway 87, where the creek crosses just south of the road. “We will have at least one dog and the plan is to continue with the dog in the raft down the creek as long as we can. We will use ground crews to check sites downstream for log jams exit points….” The search continued despite inclement weather.

The sheriff sent a further update to Cameron’s sister: They had covered 10 miles of the Creek on the past Sunday, but “obviously nothing of interest” was noted. He said that they would continue the search “as time, weather and manpower allows.” There had been no other leads. He also assured her that one of the detectives in his office was checking technical cell phone data, and he gave her access to contact his detectives.

Meanwhile, the family kept the search alive by means of newspaper interviews, plus online videos. By now, the family was afraid the search for Cameron would wind down entirely if they did not receive more media attention. They hired a well-known investigator, Mike Txxx, to help with the search. Private investigator Mike Txxx explained his role to the Calgary Eyeopener:

There are a couple reasons why the family hired me. One is to help interpret the sheriff’s office and deal with law enforcement and kind of be the go-between for them….Also, to follow up on leads the family gets that the sheriff’s office is maybe not that interested in.

Private Investigator Txxx summarized the various theories.

We’ve had a wide range. We’ve had psychics reach out ….Members tell us stuff and friends tell

us stuff.

One of these people was Dr. Yvonne Trainer. The synchronicity of her talk with Cam’s mother at the time of Cameron being found remains a mystery, and perhaps only God knows the why of it.

In late October, Yvonne Trainer, an internationally recognized poet and writer, was living in Lethbridge, Alberta, to escape the high costs of apartments in the larger cities and to lead a quiet writing life. She often went to Tim Hortons on the south side of the city for a coffee and to write in her journal. She happened to be there on the evening when an extremely tall young man came through the door. That’s why she noticed him. He had to duck to get in under the doorway. He was with another man about 5 ft 3 in height. Both seemed road weary. Interestingly, it struck Yvonne that the young man looked exactly like the photo of a missing man from Airdrie, Alberta. Photos of Cameron had been in major newspapers, on the news, and online. This man’s height, age, hair colour, eyes, and gentle personality fit the picture of Cam 100%. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with a checkered shirt unbuttoned over it, faded jeans that were too short, and running shoes too small for his feet. He had large hands.

It was an odd evening at Tim Hortons to begin with. The sky was a purplish colour, as if a bruise had spread across it. A woman sat at a corner table weeping. The shorter guy went to purchase coffees. The taller one didn’t appear to have money on him.

The tall fellow went over to try and comfort the woman. He sat beside her and asked If she was ok. He said that he too had certainly been through difficult times. He seemed to genuinely care about the woman. Then the other fellow appeared with two large coffees and the woman said, “I guess since you two are strangers, I shouldn’t talk to you.” The tall man wished her well and they went and sat at another table.

Marion Collin is the mother of three adult children. She lives in rural Alberta with her artist husband. Since 2018, Marion has devoted her time to searching for the truth in her oldest son’s death after he was discovered, after a month-long search, deceased in Pryor Creek, Montana, where he had gone missing while attending a  friend’s wedding.

Yvonne Trainer is a poet and writer living in Lethbridge Alberta. Marion and Yvonne have collaborated in writing a memoir about those grueling days between Oct. 4 to Nov. 3, 2018 and after, and the devastation this tragedy has wreaked on the Collin family’s life.

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Mine. Rubric. 2 poems by Andrea Holland

andrea holland

Mine
                                -	For C.


There were times 	I left my tools at the top. 
There were times I pitched against the rock 
against my will     against you    sedimentary, fixed

to everything around me. 	Therein a song 
of the dark lit a little by shine off the walls. 
I thought I made you 		but you were there

all along; the body’s way 	of working itself
into the future. I thought tools were
enough to bring you out 	they were not.

I did not know 	your own necessary
seismicity; that you would force me back
to the surface 		and the only substance left 

the only thing substantial 	is the words i give you
to go along with the toil (the words come back to me now)
(your words you form 	out of your own dark toil)

The heavy work 	of digging you out of the cleft 
of the seam is nothing against the work of letting you go, 
placing you in the truck 	heading for the surface 

where the air is not always light 	and blessed. 
And (at this moment) 	to know the truck
that takes you. 	To know the truck takes you, 

but not know where           or if there is burning at the end.






Rubric
				— for A.


For a second, I see a sort of Pieta in reverse
as you ease my sneaker onto my right foot
and then the left, with a glance of tender 
knowledge, as if your eyes were not
made for tears.

When you were born I fought nature. I lay
on the bed for weeks after, floating in the Red
Sea; I wanted to take you back to the midwife,
but I pretended to be your boat without holes.
I mimed songs, smiles, and at night I raged
uselessly against the tide of your cries;
sleepless and hungry us both.

And then one day I almost sang the shanty 
of love, and when I held you it was like
tilting a chalice of wine to my lips, on my knees.
Then I meant it when I buttoned your tiny coat
against cold. I meant it when I eased small socks,
slight as wafers, over cool toes. I meant to be
your mother. You know I was meant to be
your mother, as you ease my shoes on with
the reciprocal gaze of the blessed.

Andreea Holland’s publications include Broadcasting (Gatehouse Press) which won the Norfolk Commission for Poetry and Borrowed (Smith/Doorstop) as well as individual poems in journals and anthologies in the UK and USA, including The Rialto, andotherpoems.com and The World Speaking Back – poems for Denise Riley. I teach Creative Writing at the University of East Anglia and sit on the Board of the European Association of Creative Writing Programs and also on the NAWE Higher Ed. committee. I’ve published articles on poetry, creative writing pedagogy and collaborative practice, including for The Portable Poetry Workshop (Palgrave/Macmillan) and I live in Norwich with my sons and a Romanian rescue dog.

 

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3 poems by Angela Costi (Aggeliki Kosti)

Angela-Costi-012 (1)

Mothers

A.
I can lose myself  
between bed and mirror
cot and door 
lamp and window
I can merge with the suckling at my chest
the train snoring at my side
the call of the lonely magpie,
still I drain into the miracle.

The dark, the shadows, the moon 
my mind 
his growing mind
evoke koonia bella, swing my baby hither, koonia bella
my voice quivers in rhythm with the window panes 
while they recall it’s raining, it’s snowing, God waters the statues
other nursery rhymes fight for the match, 
one lights the wick to melt the candle that fills the room
with the smell of my one dolly
I thought I had lost.
We used to play balamakia, let’s clap our hands, clap, clap, clap
daddy will come and bring us sweets, kooloorakia for our biscuit tin

Lyrics come stomping up and down the hallway
knocking at the door, waiting for no reply
they barge in to slap away sleep
to open the mountains and oceans of pages 
found on the shelves of children’s libraries.
On page 53, the room is a country.
Is it the lion or the witch 
seducing the wardrobe’s clothes?
On 203, an expanse of history.
Swords and shields march the walls, 
the baby’s cry heralds the battle,
running fast over pages to escape death
we rest with the parable of the lion
retold by my grandfather.

He who listens to the mouse 
knows pain is the best teacher.  
The roar will be restored
once the rope is nibbled and frayed
and the wounded nipple 
will become our well, 
our fountain.
 
B.
One fontanelle may cradle my heart’s tremor
but I count hundreds of swaddled bees, eyes filmy blue
stalking the nipple’s shadow    still I feed
and I am fed
become stronger
carry my mother, my grandmother, my great grandmother
and all mothers before her 
drained of our stories 
as one.

C.
The tug and surge 
the squeeze and gush
as liquid love fills baby two
and I fall into serene. 

My hair gently stroked 
by mother multitudes. 

We eat to keep ourselves plump 
tidy the bedroom of dropped clothes, toys, nappies… 
read the local paper.

And come night 
breasts 
bared.






Yiayia is Swimming in my KeepCup 

“… none of us leaves our personal stuff at the door, that we are always seeking to replicate structures from our childhood … we can each do our work but not expect the organization to solve the wounds of our childhood.”
							Jerry Colonna, Podcast 
					Can you really bring your whole self to work?

From my spinal cord the spirited child 
swings up through my lungs
and leaps from my mouth 
with words like unruly curls,
despite my hair stretched into submission, 
and pale blue, buttoned-up shirt
defying my grandmother’s colours of roar and bleed.

The child is listening to Yiayia				Γιαγιά: Grandmother 	
as the data morphs into ένα δύο τρία				ena dyo tria: one two three 
as the fluorescent light holds a firm, old hand
resting on my shoulder 
reminding me to eat my lunch.  

Ee glossa tis miteras				Η γλώσσα της μητέρας: the mother tongue
wafts from my moussaka 
disturbing those lunch packs 
with food of calm and order, 
my language of birth 
with values to live 
and reasons to die 
sits hunched 
as if tending to an open fire, as if
retrieving water from a smelly well,
my legs fated to walk uphill
even in stockings and heels.

At branch meetings 
all staff are grafted
to their family’s tree,
their words drop like fruit
from the lips of the dead, 
their ideas no more than 
leaves of retired ancestors.

She travels the length of my report
using pen to mark her birth tongue,
scolds with her dead father’s voice,
“Critical deficiencies in negotiation,” 
he enjoys squeezing her soul.






After Dinner 

7.50 pm, 3 August 2020, Coburg, Victoria 

Her name is Filomena, I call her Fil,
strangers and reporters call her Pyjama Mama 

one night, after rinsing and stacking the dishes,
she sprayed Lemon Myrtle throughout the house

fear continued to permeate the living room 
as the news spread its grime all over her couch 

that night, she didn’t sync her iphone into doom-scroll,
she failed to perform her part in the family’s chorus 

she didn’t sneak nor march towards the front door,
it was as casual as going to the shop for bread 

at first, the silence was gun fire— startling, 
there were no cars charging the street like a red flag

the ambulance siren was a sweet whistle of care, 
the night sky was an empty casket of dreams 

and she walked in the middle of her street 
with spotted zebras nibbling night’s air. 



8.05 pm, 8 September 2020, Coburg, Victoria 

She keeps walking in her pink bunny slippers
passes the red post-box, turns into Lever Street 

as if pulled by a thought, another follows her 
with lip-stick poodles pattering the breeze 

flannel carves their bodies into canvasses 
of cotton creatures rippling with joy 

another middle-aged mother, another woman 
with a computer fighting with laundry-time 

they become the neighbourhood’s lullaby,
an unrehearsed choreography of comfort

pink tigers, red pandas, stripes and swirls
follow the poodles, following the zebras

through a grid of carved bitumen and grass, 
their slippers silence the day’s crescendo. 


8.35 pm, 30 September 2020, Coburg, Victoria 

The wind slaps our faces, twists our hair,
dogs lunge at us through ravaged fences

the moon cowers as a tree grows arms, 
even then, we are like posties or soldiers

we are the mothers feeding the night 
with our milk curing sores and aches 

our walk is an allegory before bedtime,
a sip of chamomile with port or whisky 

unlike our day made of survival’s tenets,
there is no talk to drill rules into hearts

Fil is our quiet, useful bookmark 
turning each street into a page 

as we pass, some windows offer
clues to once-upon-a-time. 

8.45 pm, 16 October 2020, Coburg, Victoria 

the boundary road is never crossed,
it’s our river Lethe, our warning 

a semi-trailer blares its horn of stress,
we recall a key used to ignite speed

we circle back carrying our animals
as dreams designed to coax sleep.

Angela Costi is known as Aggeliki Kosti among the Cypriot-Greek diaspora of her heritage. She is the author of five poetry collections including, An Embroidery of Old Maps and New (Spinifex, 2021). In 1995, she received an award from the Australian National Languages and Literacy Board to study Ancient Drama in Greece. In 2009, she travelled to Japan with support from the Australian Council to work on an international collaboration with the Stringraphy Ensemble. In 2020-21, she received two arts grants from the City of Melbourne to creatively document existence during lockdown due to pandemic. Her poetry, essays and video poems are widely published, including Rochford Street Review, Cordite Poetry Review, Hecate and The Blue Nib. She works in the social justice and human rights sectors.

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Invitation to Mom. A poem by Mary Pecaut

Mary Pecaut-photo bw

Invitation to Mom

(After Mirna Stone)

If I can bring you back again
it would be on a day like this when the sky
opens wide to the water         
pelicans perch on fishing boats
and lego-like container ships navigate 
the Panama Canal

And I would bring you to my rooftop
and tell you THIS 
is what I love, this view, this horizon
you've never seen
this papaye sunrise
this breeze that nudges me
corrals the clouds

And I would offer you a hammock swing
woven by Emberra
here     I would say     is my life
and this is the hymn I sing 

Here in this troposphere
on this bridge between calm and stormy seas
this bridge between continents
where once saber-tooth tigers and now monarchs migrate
the sky holds every emotion ever felt
holds the sun when she is overwhelmed
keeps the moon like a promise

And if you told me
you could, you should, I would
laugh and take your hand, invite you to dance
I would take the lead

Here I give you latitude
the grace of an ever-changing horizon
birds who know their way
and each new day,  gratitude

Mary Pecaut is a multi-genre writer, living in Panama City, Panama. Her poems, short stories and creative non-fiction have been published internationally in VietNam, Switzerland and the USA. Winner of the Swiss GWG Literary Prize for Poetry (2015), 2nd place GWG Prize – Memoir (2016) short-listed for the FISH Poetry Prize ( 2013) and FISH Memoir Prize (2017), Mary facilitates workshops on Writing for Wellness and Well-being as well as Compassionate Integrity Training workshops for the United Nations, NGOs, and individuals. Mary believes that literature and poetry in particular, can change the world. To that end, she initiated the Poemanate Project in Casco Viejo at the beginning of the Global Covid Pandemic.

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in.ception. A poem by Josephine LoRe

in.ception 

     Scientists have captured the flash of light
that sparks when a sperm meets an egg

I knew    

    I walked from the bed to the bathroom and knew 

                                       a life inside my life a spark

                                             within my spark a flash 

                         infinitesimal then the size of flaxseed 

                     waving blue in summer breeze hazelnut 

                                         in shatterproof shell apricot 

           fuzz-covered flesh yielding to touch grapefruit 

                                         sunshine bursting into scent 

and within me bubbles gently bursting weeks 

  before movement weeks before the first real 

       kick as unforgettable as the first real kiss 

all this 

                  before anyone else knew 

                                                                            I knew 

                                                                  as intimately 

                                                as you knew the beating 

                                             of my heart keeping silent 

                                       time until you would be ready 

                                                          to come forth into  

                                                                               light    

a pearl in this diamond world … Josephine LoRe has published two collections:  ‘Unity’ and the Calgary Herald Bestseller ‘The Cowichan Series’.  Her words have been read on stage, put to music, danced to, and integrated into visual art.  They appear in anthologies and literary journals across nine countries. https://www.josephinelorepoet.com/

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A Life of Envy. A poem by Lynn Tait

LynnTaitsmallcrop

A Life of Envy           
in memory of Stephen 1983-2012

I would rather 
someone to call sister, brother, father
rather than my family tree rootless, without leaves;
a life-path with fewer side streets,
instead of twists and turns— 
crossroads leading to dead ends.
I would rather 
hear the hum and drawl—calling for Mom again, 
talks with my son, now, instead of memories, 
walks with his children—the same places
I taught their dad 
the art of the snake hunt, 
the bugle-sound grass makes 
blown between cupped hands and thumbs,
the craft of stone skipping,
the search for the perfect pee tree,
answers to the ritual asking of why, 
the cadence of the word grandma.


Lynn Tait is an award-winning poet/photographer residing in Sarnia Ontario Canada. Her poems have appeared in Windsor Review, RE:al, Quills Canadian Poetry Magazine, Feathertales, The Tower Society, Contemporary Verse II, Vallum, Freefall Literary Magazine, Literary Review of Canada and in over 100 Canadian and American anthologies, She’s had a chapbook Breaking Away, published, co-authored the poetry book EnCompass I, and  is working on two full length poetry manuscripts. She is a member of the League of Canadian Poets and The Ontario Poetry Society. 

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A Dedication To My (M)other. A poem excerpt by Mbizo Chirasha

a1mbizo-chirasha-diasporian

The lines below are excerpted (by Anne Sorbie MA) from the manuscript, Poetry DNA / Midnight Monologues, and specifically from the poem, “DREAMS OF MY ANCESTOR: A dedication to my mother,” by Zimbabwean poet, Mbizo Chirashsa.

 

A Dedication To My (M)other

As I dangled on your struggle – hardened back

I carved poetry from your sweet lullabies

and grieving hymns

became a griot before teething

You remain my Goddess of all time

On the day of my birthing

the moon was torn into two halves

wind raged           a storm ensued

thunder clapped the red earth

lightning bolts cracked in synchrony with gunshots

The rat-a-tat of pelting raindrops

witnessed your labour

Father named me, Gandanga reChimurenga

I grew perfectly

like a sweet potato enjoying the caress of red earth

Years stewed into decades and

decades fried themselves into another century

I dreamt of you Mother, wearing a sparkling silver wedding dress

walking side by side with the Great King of all time

A wedding song boomed feverishly

I can’t remember the singer, but I remember the beautiful poetics

Vul’indlela wemamgobhozi
He unyana wam
Helele uyashada namhlanje

 

Recently the devil birthed a cruel goblin of a son called Corona

Every door of every home was locked

Every gate of every country was locked

Dear Goddess

I was not there to cast the last lump of shovel dust

to say, Goodbye spirit Queen

My heart caves bleed with grief

Every day I see you floating in the mist of dawn

and later

in the cloaked night of harmony

Fambai Zvakanaka Shoko

Makwiramiti, mahomu-homu
Vanopona nekuba
Vanamushamba negore
Makumbo mana muswe weshanu
Hekani Soko yangu yiyi
Vakaera mutupo umwe nashe
Vana Va Pfumojena
Vakabva Guruuswa
Soko Mbire ya Svosve
Vanobva Hwedza
Vapfuri vemhangura
Veku Matonjeni vanaisi vemvura
Zvaitwa matarira vari mumabwe
Mhanimani tonodya, svosve tichobovera
Maita zvenyu rudzi rukuru
Matangakugara
Vakawana ushe neuchenjeri
Vakufamba hujeukidza kwandabva
Pagerwe rinongova jemedzanwa
Kugara hukwenya-kwenya
Vari mawere maramba kurimba
Vamazvikongonyadza kufamba hukanya
Zvibwezvitedza, zvinotedzera vari kure
Asi vari padyo vachitamba nazvo
Zvaitwa mukanya rudzi rusina chiramwa
Maita vari Makoromokwa, Mugarandaguta
Aiwa zvaonekwa Vhudzijena

You remain

the Goddess of all time.

 

Mbizo CHIRASHA, the Author of a Letter to the President and Pilgrims of Zame, also co-Authored Whispering Woes of Ganges and Zambezi, Street Voices Poetry Collection (Germany Africa Poetry Anthology), Corpses of Unity Anthology.  Associate Editor at  Diasporia(n) online. Chief Editor at Time of the Poet Republic. Founding Editor at WomaWords Literary Press. Publisher at Brave Voices Poetry journal.  Curator at Africa Writers Caravan. UNESCO-RILA Affiliate Artist at University of Glasgow. 2020 Poet in Residence Fictional Café. 2019 African Fellow, IHRAF.ORG. Project Curator and Co-Editor of the Second Name of Earth is Peace (Poetry Voices Against WAR Anthology). Contributing Essayist to Monk Arts and Soul Magazine.  Poetry and writings appear in  FemAsia Magazine, Wrath-Bearing Tree, Ink Sweat and Tears Journal , One Ghana One Magazine, Ofi Press, World Poetry Almanac, Demer Press , Atunis Galaxy poetry online, IHRAF Publishes, The Poet a Day, Bezine.Com, Sentinel UK, Oxford School of Poetry Pamphlet, Africa Crayons, PulpitMagazine, Poetry Pacific, Zimbolicious, Best New Poets, Poetry Bulawayo, Gramnet webjournal, Diogen Plus, Poeisis.si, Festival de Poesia Medellin and elsewhere.

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When Other Orders a Mother’s Heart. A poem and a hybrid by Nancy Ndeke

ndeke800

WHEN OTHER ORDERS A MOTHER’S  HEART

The soil,dirty,darkly brown, often damp,
The liquid gold of wombic nurture and stature,
The goddess with nimble fingers and tender breasts,
Teaching lullabies in a preachers trembling tunes upon a fevered wake,
A father’s gift for a name after his father’s and further down the lineage, 
The place of worship in needs met and wants explained, 
What’s motherhood but divine soft shine of pain in beautiful gain,
That distance heart of a total stranger on bedded knees for another stranger in need,
Mother! Smoothing ruffled hair and crumpled Jersey, 
Mother! The spirit that hides a fugitive against a pursuing goon,
Mother! The jailer stepping in the gap of injustice and offering survival counsel, 
The spirit of motherhood is more than a mere gender,
It’s the universe holding up candles and star drops of merciful intervention,
To be a mother is bigger than blind titles and comely positions up success ladders,
It’s to be that man, that woman who feels the aching needs of another 
Motherhood is a faith in humanity and a religion of peace,
Motherhood is a gift to life and its unpredictable ladders that sway our steps,
Motherhood is an institution and constitution of light of hearts glowing with wellness for others.  
It’s the cycles of the moon in faith of conception and lovers daring spirits,
The birth of love, the forbearance of sorrow and the glory of service. 
Motherhood is the balm that heals what ails the Gail’s of life visit. 
To be visited by the spirit of motherhood is to attain wings while in flesh,
To fly life into betterment of the hidden Eden that once was home. 
 

BROTHERS WITHOUT BORDERS

Told in staccato silence of whispers along divine vines of prayers on tightly held lips, is the tale of words divorced from the throat of a man whose crime is truth in its nubile nudity oozing mantras of sagely dare to wrong. Night came visiting dressed in white robes and extended palms offering interrogative texts for a chance to leave or live. Poverty sucked hard at the stove pipe where snippets of gasps escaped the priests of bloody baths to signal sentinels of earths intentions to prune unripe grapes before maturity for a crime of passionate speech against misspelling of goodwill into ‘goonwill ‘.

The green of the land mutated from the rich fart of cats pursuing the ratting  mouse, who bore the truth on its flimsy whiskers. Heaven rumbled with the growls of pregnancy across an expansive network of giants of fluid statements and punchy pens oozing protest and defying the lids suffocating outcomes of witnessing a crime in the process of happening. 

A son has lost his mother. His children have shed his name for their sake. Friends are receiving bounty in hard currency to point the hunter the direction of the prey deeply bent over in prayer. 

Character has characteristics just as floor dusters spews out dust from accumulated dalliance with sooty places. A fugitive is not born or baptised into the career of ‘vagabondry ‘. A fugitive is a product and a brand curved out of intolerance and the thriving thievery of masters of saintly parades.

As the night gives way to daylight, a child runs into anti hills of the savannah to seek solace from termites and the mercy of warm hearts yet unbought by the promise of guarantee riches of statements and statesmen who run tragic shows against those unwilling or unable to match to the beat of debauchery and debased drums.

The world is a word in creation and performance.  The world is full of void spaces to fill with songs of muted courage and resilience verbs describing escaped feet and daring hearts.

So in the ear of the year when connection is a finger tap away and prison guard is watching the monitor trail a target from the condominiums of state largesse typing a eulogy before the death of the favoured, writers in their temples of slate paper towns breath hope into the perforated lungs of a child marked for target practice by marksman long dead of conscience.  But fate is an uncharted territory more mystical than Atlantis and the majesty of the pyramid.  The child made its first cry after a difficulty birth of itself and now like an old dog with memories of revolutionary scars and dents on its teeth, just let out a new exhale to celebrate deferred death.

The child’s name is Truth son of Defiance from the clan of Penners.

Nancy Ndeke is a multi-genre writer. She writes poetry, hybrid essays, reviews, commentary and memoir. Ndeke  is widely published with four collection of her full writings Soliama Legacy, Lola- Logue , Musical Poesy  and May the Force be With you. She has recently  collaborated with a Scotland-based Writer  and Musical Artist,  Dr. Gameli Tordzro of Glasgow University on the Poetry Collection Mazungumzo ya Shairi, and  also  co-authored the poetry anthology , I was lost but now am found with USA Poet Renee Drummond  -Brown . She contributes her writings to the Atunis  Galaxy Poetry ( Belgium), TUJIPANGE AFRICA( Kenya, USA), Ramingo Porch, Africa Writers Caravan , WOMAWORD Literary Press, BeZine  for Arts and Humanities( USA), Andinkra Links 5,  Wild Fire Publication, Williwash Press, The poet by day webzine, Writers Escape at Poetry, Different Truths, ARCS PROSE POETRY. Nancy Ndeke  also works as a literary arts consultant, copyeditor and  Writers’ Clinics Moderator.

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Miscarriage. Mynah Messiah. 2 Poems by Rachel J. Fenton

Miscarriage

A German Shepherd has his head
and front paws in your hutch,
lifted off the lid
to climb in and almost had you.

I had woken from a dream; 
thought I’d heard someone
knocking the fence in.
Outside the bedroom window, 

the dog stares when I scream
‘Oh,’ as if I’ve discovered my baby
dead in my uterus. Gormless,
until I add, ‘Out, out, out,’

and run to the back door,
chase wolf away from rabbit 
skin. My bark
is worse than my bite.

I shout for its owners
to keep their dog under control
and carry you, close
to my chest, to the fence

to tell them what their dog 
has almost done. But they stare
blankly then the mother says,
‘He hardly ever gets out.’





Mynah Messiah
after the sculpture by Emily Valentine

In the woods that day it was sombre
As: graver than remembered 
years before; a dry October, 
wind making up for lack of rain.

There seemed fewer leaves on the ground,
so that each twig we trod sounded,
crack: the cocking of a gun. I recalled
walking the same track with my father,

each of us carrying coal 
black plastic sacks, reeling back in mock horror 
and admittedly part delight 
as he dragged up a rake load,
 
worms and other nasties, with his spade
hands and chucked them in the bin bags
before clutching the lot like a highwayman,
shooing Bess on ahead, 

hoisting our nipper on his shoulders
and nearly topping him on a low branch
of beech with moss moulded 
along one side. We should have reached
 
the quarry, the period
of time we'd been tramping, but had
yet to see the cut out slice of orange 
clay: the drop like citrus on taste buds

after sugar. You turned,
that's when I grabbed your arm,
pointed. Yis, it was the fearst 
robin you'd ivver seen and I let you 

 
admire it while I gave daggers to the lad
taking aim a few feet behind
it, air rifle framed by bare lime.
You talked all the way home

about how in New Zealand
you only see the mynah birds:
pists, nah, vermin, you said, you would
shoot the berluddy lot of 'em.

*

I cannot shout praises, or even speak 
my mind, my tongue is not complete; my own 
half father's, half mother's (theirs cleaved in form 
from others similarly), it is split 
in two, but I can mimic perfectly. In the morning 
I am nurture mother, tender succour to infant life, 
off peak sage advisor and child's advocate. 
By afternoon I manage (badly) 
mason entrepreneurs, part clown 
(to amuse, plus it helps with the juggling), part 
accountant (I'm told it never adds up, even 
if one can count), and part IT radicle, tapping 
into unseeded territories 
in the ether. In the evening, I wear 
comedy and tragedy (two faces 
optional, and here's where juggling's handy),
directions given from the rocking chair 
concealed in joviality. I sing 
them to sleep: lullabies, ballad of girl who stole 
riches from her parents, half sum 
from each, to buy herself a baby's life, a swim 
to her death. I sing wife, 
take my new husband for a sleeping pill 
until he pulls the cover over 
me and I am silent, once again, till dawn.

*

 
Acknowledgements lie
south west of a rock
shaped like a lion by a thousand years
		of storms and wild seas
and an artificial eye.

Your phone rings. Mynah
with a yellow eye mask 
and white arm bands, scavenger, turns
		 her head to look, burns
and I do not ask why

you do not answer.
Clouds make pied outcrops,
changing and transient as the point of who
	                      last used the shed key;
what pudding your mother likes.

And there is something 
else, a new message
and your shirt, the one I didn't buy you, printed 
		      	        roses, red, scattered,  
lying stained at my feet.

*

In the darkness the motions, however small,
like sounds, are exaggerated
so that a tired sigh, even a breath, 
takes on the auditory aura of the sea, 
so that doing nothing feels like doing something.

There are no screens in our room, no tv,
no visual means to play out others' lives. 
Only a black, now lightening to grey, expanse 
of window looking out on other windows 
looking somewhere into darker shade.

 
Rolling on my side, I feel the briefest touch, 
fingertip to fingertip, like a bird 
caught deep inside the pit of me, 
feel the pull of a hand contracting. 
Opening my eyes I am now able to see 

the small sooty outline of his face, peach stone for eye, rib 
cage unmoving. I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat.

There was a black bird caught inside the chimney,
when we had a chimney, and fire of course. 
It could be heard in there for days. Even in summertime 
it wouldn't turn, couldn't work out that escape 
came only by first going down.

And it was quiet one evening, until the flies. 
We lit a fire then, in June. Thirteen weeks it took to kill it.
We turn out the lights and it's still there; listening 
now I can hear it, trapped in the burnt shaft 
of malignant bricks, covered in soot, flying up.

*

A black face
appears in the mouth
of the hole

in the electrical box
at the top
of the telegraph pole

perhaps it isn't wired up right
shouldn't be there

but it's making a go of it 
all the same.

A nest 
with the best sea views 
on Beach Road.

Rachel J Fenton is an award-winning writer living in the South Island of New Zealand. Her fiction has won the University of Plymouth Short Fiction Prize, the Auckland University of Technology Creative Writing Prize, she came second in the Dundee International Book Prize, was longlisted for the Inaugural Michael Gifkins Unpublished Novel Prize, the Bristol Prize, and was shortlisted for the Cinnamon Press Debut Novel Prize. Her short stories have been anthologised in Stories of Hope Bushfire Relief Anthology (Aussie Speculative Fiction), Remembering Oluwale (Valley Press), Refugees Welcome (Co-Boox), Cooked Up, Food Fiction from Around the World (New Internationalist), and others. Also known as Rae Joyce, Rachel is Co-editor of Three Words, An Anthology of Aotearoa Women’s Comics (Beatnik).

http://snowlikethought.blogspot.com

https://twitter.com/RaeJFenton,

https://www.facebook.com/rae.joyce.5

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